eleven birdies

to just be

2011-05-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been learning to just be. Did you know that it takes practice?
One of my good guy friends recently told me, “You are all up here,” while pointing to my head. He is right. The trouble with being so analytical, so inquisitive, so thought-full, is that it makes it really hard to just be.
And I really want to learn how to just be.
When I was in the fourth grade, my teacher used to read Encyclopedia Brown to the class. You had to pay attention to every little detail to find the one that unlocked the mystery. (Which were disclosed at the end of each little story.) I don’t remember what this one particular mystery was about, but I remember that I would just burst with the answers- the ridiculous kid hand stretched high. I knew she couldn’t pick me every time. But one time, nobody else had the answer. I answered. And Mrs. Woodman said, “How did you know that?!? You have a great brain.”
It was the first time someone told me that I was smart and I knew it.
Can I train my churning brain to quiet enough to just be?
I’ve been trying. I have been stretching myself. I’ve been forcing myself to exist inside of moments without analyzing them to pieces. I’ve been forcing myself to cling to the scripture that says something like each day has its own worries… I googled it:
Matthew 6:34 (New International Version)
34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Yeah. Beautiful moments. I have had many lately. And I know myself well enough to know that I have to make myself exist in them, or I won’t fully experience them. I have heard people talk about how in their own beautiful moments time stands still. I can’t be absolutely sure, but I think I might have experienced that for the first time. It was just utterly beautiful. I just existed. I felt bliss and joy and happy and peaceful and I was speechless.
I didn’t think about what summer program I am going to enroll Brooklyn in, and what those deadlines are. Or that I need to get my tail light fixed. Or forwarding my mail. Or my best friend who was betrayed by her fiancé of seven years. Or my other best friend who was about to lose her days old niece whose body wasn’t made for this world.
I am grateful that I am learning to just be. It truly is a gift.

We're moving!

2011-04-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

Hello friends.

I have loved my little corner of the internet here at eleven birdies. I love my seven followers! Unfortunately, I have to relocate. It is for my safety and my girls' safety.

If you want to continue to touch base with us, please email me at elevenbirdies@gmail.com and I will provide you with our new address. :) I know this blog has been a bit stale for some time now and I haven't done well keeping it updated, but its about to get REALLY good. So please email me!

love to y'all!!

sell. buy.

2011-04-20T08:30:00.001-07:00

My garage sale went well, considering the weather only allowed us one day of sales. While it was good to get rid of so much, it did tug at my heart a bit. I sold furniture I spent time painting and baby shoes and clothes... you know, that kind of thing. The good part? Now I want to buy things for my new place...

Le Creuset is way out of this girls budget. Why does a woman have to get married to get the things she needs for her home? Can you smell the pot roast cooking in this thing?

Anthro. How I love thee. Let me count the ways.... sheets... dishes... dresses...boots...purses...

I do have a gift card to anthropologie that I got from my brother at Christmas...hmmmm...

Did I tell you I have a job interview today? I'm excited. And a little bit nervous. It is with a great company... with a mission that I can stand behind. Did I tell you I desperately need this job? Well, I do.

I also need this coffee pot. One thing I want to do at my new place, is have a variety of things to drink for the people that come over. I've always wanted to be like, "Can I get you something to drink?" and then have lots of choices... I know. Sounds silly. It feels like such a grown up thing to do.

I hope that your spring has been lovely. Truly lovely. And that you find yourself smiling a lot.

parenting and vulnerability

2011-04-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

There are so many decisions to make as a parent. Some carry more weight than we could possibly realize, while others we agonize over because there are so many fears attached to them. Being a parent seems to be the ultimate form of vulnerability. As Charlotte naps, and I listen to her little sleeping snores, I take comfort in her peacefulness. When your daughter is three, your toughest hurdles are being patient with her fierce independence, staying calm during her meltdowns, and knowing when to take the Minky away. When your daughter is three, she loves to be next to you. If you are lucky, she sings you songs and finds her way to where ever you are just to tuck her little hand in yours. Now, when your daughter is seven, well... that is a different story. When your daughter is seven, your hurdles are teaching her personal responsibility, and how beautiful she is, how God loves her, and how to ward off the nastiness at school that starts entirely to early. You make sure she does her homework, and that she understands it. You make sure you provide her with self-confidence boosting activities, like soccor or painting. You try to never forget that she is always watching. You are the example by which she will model what it means to be a woman. You hope, beyond all hope, that by the Grace of God you can raise her well despite yourself. And when she is presented with a choice, and makes the right one, you start to understand how the last seven years have been spent shaping a pretty amazing human being. Then you can take comfort in knowing you did something right. I had to stop and save this post, and much later in the day my bff Emily sent me a video clip of somebody speaking on vulnerability.

Funny how that works, huh? In case you don't watch it, she speaks on connection. And how one must be accepting of vulnerability in order to be connected. Connection leads to whole-heartedness. Whole-heartedness exists among people who have the courage to be seen, to be vulnerable. It really is a great speech and worth watching. The gal studied people for ten years to arrive at some of her conclusions. It is nice to have research on things like this. So maybe vulnerability is just the space in which we need love? Love from God, from family, from friends... Maybe vulnerability is the space in which I need to love myself? Parenting, and being authentic, are two things I want to be good at.

home is wherever i'm with you

2011-04-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

Recently, I found a pair of matching twin beds at goodwill. $20 each. I think I want to paint them. It is always exciting for me to find something I set out for, and in great condition, and at such a great price. I was originally inspired by this girlie room over at the home and harmony blog. Did I tell you that the girls and I are moving? I am so excited for many reasons. I love the area. I love the location. I love the hardwood floors. And the affordable rent.

Most of all, I love the fresh start it will be for the girls and I. I feel bold. I feel like really great change is just around the corner for the three of us. We love our home. But there are lots of memories, and guilt, and family ties... that all just had me craving change. There was a sord of incredible series of events, and now the girls and I have our own little place.

Our new place is A LOT smaller than our current home. Which means we will have to get rid of a lot of stuff. It is a a relief to get rid of things, but it is also bittersweet. Tonight I went through my linen cabinet and edited down my linens. I filled a huge box with beautiful vintage sheets and such, all going into the massive sale of 2011.

I went through my creative space. I had to pick my most favorite things. The millinery, the antique buttons, the ephemera stays. Many old baby clothes, jewelry boxes, sewing notions... they will make their way to the sale.

I really want to only have what we need, and then our absolute favorite things that we want. I am also looking at this as an opportunity to change up my decorating style a bit. More color. More unexpected items. Branch out into more straight lines. Maybe this is a reflection of how I am feeling these days?

I am so excited to go for walks in our new neighborhood. I am even more excited to have friends over for dinner... and wine... and laugh until our cheeks hurt. I want my mom to hop on over during her lunch, and I can make her fresh salads and great coffee from the spice merchant.

In my early twenties, home meant somewhere permanent. All I wanted to do is have my girls and raise them in the same home their whole lives. I wanted the white picket fence. The marriage. The house. And then I think I learned a little bit about what "home" means. I noticed I felt at home in Emily's little apartment, with uneven floors, pretty art, and more stuff than space. I noticed I felt at home at Vanessa's house. Always clean. With bold and bright colors, and more pictures of animals than humans. I felt at home sitting around her little table, eating dinner as a family. I felt at home sitting on a blanket in Emily's beautiful back yard, eating pasta and drinking wine. I felt at home, sitting on my mom's sofa and drinking hot coffee, watching her favorite shows. Home is not the pretty little picture that our culture would have us think it is. Home is so much more than that.

There are a lot of really cool things about my new little place. Don't worry, I'll share pictures. But the best part, is having the chance to make a home... to make memories... to be a family.

green eyes + beauty mark = my favorite parts of my face

2011-04-04T22:07:00.000-07:00

"Until you can see what we see and what God sees, other people will continue to dictate your perception of your beauty..."

A good friend said this to me. I didn't want to forget his words. I've been thinking a lot about beauty... how its defined, where it comes from, when it is lasting, and how to own it.

a walk with Charlotte

2011-04-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about purpose lately. I naturally look for meaning in things, like it somehow helps me feel like my life and all its details really matter.

I believe that I was created with purpose.

It is amazing, when you think about it- all the pieces that have to come together to shape a person. All those circumstances and encounters that were something beyond serendipitous. If you are bold, you see divinity at work. You aren't afraid to say so either. Once you find the space in which everything you can control meets everything beyond your control, you can't deny that there is something greater at work.

Lord, may I never stop seeking the purpose you have for my life. And as you reveal to me my purpose, may I be steadfast in whatever direction that may be. Father, help me to love other people well. Help me to love myself well. Most importantly, help me to love You well. What is any flower compared to a dandelion picked just for you by your daughter? Held so carefully in her little bitty hands, a treasure that stays long after the flower fades.

among the wildflowers

2011-01-20T12:56:00.000-08:00

After week 1: - 4 pounds!! I am not following any plan exclusively... only trying to make good choices every day. I think I may step up the work outs.

My mom has a theory, you've heard it before. What you put out into the universe comes back to you... the universe responds to you based on what you emit into the atmosphere...

I think she is right.

After a little over one week of making an effort to take better care of myself, it seemed like the universe was responding to my efforts. Someone compliments my hair. A random boy stops me in the parking lot to tell me how beautiful I am and insists that I give him my number. The girls say, "Mama, you're so pretty," as I get ready. A couple girlfriends tell me how great I look... that I look "hot"- I smile more and people smile more back at me. I have been asked out three times in the last week. I swear, they are coming out of the woodwork. Don't get me wrong, this isn't what I am after. Its more like a symptom of trying to put your best self out into the universe.

Dare I say, I am slowly but surely getting my sparkle back?

Here is the deal, the irony of it all... when you start taking better care of yourself, you find that everything you need is intrinsic. Everything that makes me beautiful comes from within me. Everything I need to become my best, I already have living inside my spirit. I have a completeness that I don't think I have ever felt before. My relationship with God has evolved to a new and more lovely place I have never been. God is enough. I can think of hundreds of days I longed for some type of affirmation from people in my world. I needed it. I needed others to define me because I had no idea how to define myself. I had no starting and stopping point. I started with what she told me to be and stopped with what he said I was. And he said I was some horrible things. In my mind, I see God taking an eraser to it all. Erasing the lines, blowing off the eraser dust, and redrawing me perfectly. Perfectly imperfect. Me. Beautiful, lovely, me.

Some amazing things about this last week or so:

-I did Emily's hair and she broke out the red lipstick. Nobody looks better in red lipstick than she does.

-I danced like no one was watching. On more than one occasion.

-I started another semester of school.

-I made new friends.

-I snuggled with Brooklyn and Charlotte on the couch.

-I read Brooklyn's report card: she is a whole grade level ahead in math and reading.

-I sweat. It felt AMAZING. I was shedding bad memories. With every bead that dripped down my face, down my back, between my breasts... I was sweating off pain.

-I sat with my mom. We watched TV. She brought me cups of coffee. With the perfect amount of cream, exactly the way I like it.

-I got what was quite possibly the best email ever from my Vanessa. We talked on the phone way too late about everything and nothing, about my husband. About her husband. About the land of the unicorns... :) Oh, and she made a new mix!

-I ate pasta right out of the serving spoon.

-I got my nose pierced. Super cute.

-I found amazing liquid eyeliner for two dollars: wet'n'wild y'all.

ohmygracious! I almost forgot to tell you!! I am in communications with this amazing photographer, mandylynne.com - she is one of my favorites. The picture above is the last picture I have had taken with my girls... I'm six months pregnant with Charlie. So, this summer I am going to Springfield, MO... ROADTRIP!!! With V and my girlies, and I am getting real, professional pictures taken with my girls. Family Pictures. I might try to sneak a few in with Vanessa too.

Well folks, I am going to head to the Y. I think I will try a new class today...

2011

2011-01-08T20:06:00.000-08:00

It is 2011. 2011.

I believe that this year will be one of the best years of my life.

I am hoping that this blog will become more of a "lifework" space. Like homework but lifework. I am hoping that this will be a place to document the incredible year that 2011 will be. But most of all, I am hoping this is a place where I can be 1. Honest 2. Authentic 3. Connected.

I want this year to bring change. I want to lose weight. I want to floss more. I want to have my first massage. I want to get rid of stuff. I want to learn more about my daughters. I want to become better acquainted with God. I want to buy dresses. I want to stop eating fast food. I want to be a better friend. I want to be a better daughter. I want to be a better mother. I want to learn more about who my girls are, and foster their individuality. I want to clean my house. I want to dance. I want to have my lovely friends over for dinner. I want to start a movement. I want to flirt with a man. I want to get a pedicure. I want to sweat. a lot. I want to laugh. a lot. I want to study my Bible. I want to finish another semester of classes. I want to dress up fancy. I want to travel some place. I want to wear bright red lipstick. I want to paint my fingers and toes so they match. I want to give things away. I want to get myself back. I want to discover the beauty that is within me. I want to create something with my hands. I want to make my bedroom a sanctuary, and take the tv out. I want to cook something by Mrs. Childs. I want to spend time with a horse. I want to play with my nieces and nephews. I want to pray over my girls every single day in 2011. I want to wash off my make up before bed. I want to feel more comfortable giving and getting hugs. I want to be something else besides agreeable. I want to go for walks more. I want to take more pictures, especially of the girls. I want to finish something.

I want to LIVE.

I want to make the most of my time here.

2011 will be an amazing year. It really, really will.

fresh starts

2010-12-05T16:04:00.000-08:00

So, those of you who know me personally, and those of you have been following me even since the old blog... well, you know I have been through a lot in the last several years. I'd debrief you, but honestly you don't want to hear about it. Odds are, you lived through it with me if you are reading this blog... :o)

I say it every year, but I really truly honestly believe that 2011 is going to be AMAZING!!! BETTER THAN AMAZING!!!! It is going to be some word our language doesn't have that is better than any super hyperpositive descriptive word in the english language. 2011 is going to rock our socks off. Wait. and. see....

I am 26 now. Y'all probably knew that. Birthdays are kinda weird now. Anything that happens now, I can never in my life say it happened in my early twenties. I am no longer in my early twenties. I am growing more aware of the fact that there won't always be time to do things... time doesn't wait on me. My mom would scoff at my silliness. To her, I am so young. I get it. But I am entering into a new category of some sort, for sure.

I am waaaaay single. Like, not even a little bit dating. I miss dates. I miss kissing. But I LOVE everything I am learning about myself. I really do love this season. I am having fun. And, I think I am on the cusp of some incredible personal growth and change that will insure my arrival. I will say, "I have arrived."

Upcoming change: I think I have found a new place to live! It is nearly too good to be true, so I am keeping my fingers crossed. I go for the official tour tomorrow. I will be sure and take my phone to snap some pictures of the inside- I will try and share on here asap. I have been praying for a new home, one that I can afford. One that is in a good area. One that the girls and I can call home.

I have INCREDIBLE friends. Like, the kind of girlfriends you wish for your whole life. One of them is my mom. Sometimes when I stop to consider the beautiful women that have come alongside me and carried me through, I want to fall to my knees and praise God. Thank you isn't enough... I can't thank God enough for the gift of the women He has put in my life. That He chose my mom for me. That He chose a softball diamond for Emily and I to unite forces as the girls on the team, and we've loved each other ever since. That Emily would set me up on a blind friend date with Vanessa, because she had a feeling that we should meet... and on that day, at the donut whole, I met my sister for the first time. My God appointed, spiritual sister. On that day, part of me was awakened. Like two little girls running through a field in cotton dresses, sun shining brightly, laughing and giggling til we had to stop to breathe... and we collapse and lay and look at the clouds... and look at each other. No words. Smiles. And she knows, and I know, everything is going to be alright. She looks at me and I feel loved- we say I love you with our eyes...that is how it feels... I wish I could describe it better. I'm feeling so loved!

My girls... oh, my girls. They are the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Everything about them is lovely, and God breathed. I feel so honored to raise them up, to teach them about God, to be the one that loves them most and best. Again, makes me want to hit my knees and praise God. We have made it to the other side, we three. We are free.

I feel like celebrating!!! I feel like there are so many things to celebrate!!! Maybe, at the very least, a housewarming party?

The birth of a Savior?

Christmas!!!!

Okay, I'll be back soon with updates.

...becoming...

2010-11-23T16:30:00.000-08:00

It has been a while. Where does the time go?

Recently I heard on NPR (national public radio) about a study that some scientists did in Russia. (At least I think it was Russia?) They took individuals out in a huge open field, blind folded them, and asked them to walk in a straight line. It isn't possible. Every single time, the walker turned and started to walk in a circle. The hypothesized that it could be left/right handedness, but disproved it because lefties were turning right and vice versa. They thought it was correlated with brain hemispheres, but they disproved that as well. They weren't able to prove why, but they did prove that it happens every time without fail. I was fascinated with this experiment. My "attach meaning to everything" type brain considered this a spiritual metaphor.

They proved that humans are only capable of walking in a straight line when they are able to fix their eyes on someone or something in the distance. If they can't fix their eyes on anything, they walk in circles.

I have been trying to keep my eyes fixed, but more often than not I feel as though I am walking in circles. Big, dramatic, exhausting circles.

So, along these same lines- here is my new plan. First, I must fully identify what it is exactly I dream of. What kind of woman do I want to be? What dreams do I have for my life? Go ahead and gasp, but I think God gives us the right to dream. I think we are supposed to. I think we get to collaborate on these things with God. Step 1: Identification, aka finding the place to fix your eyes spiritually and also figuratively.

Step 2: Start making choices. Talk to God about the big ones, and the small ones if you wish. But move. You can't stand still. You have to make choices. Before fully making a decision, ask yourself, "Will these move me toward or away from what I'm after?"

When you know the answer, move toward your dreams. Simple. Move in the direction of your dreams. Do this every day, and eventually you will see them come to pass.

I feel as though I am either standing still, or going in circles. But for some strange reason I feel empowered to start moving... straight toward the life God has had in store for me all along, and straight into His loving presence.

I must go for now, I am going to Yoga. Because choosing to go to yoga moves me one step in the direction of my weight loss goals. :o)

Love to you all, and we'll catch up soon.

heat and freezing

2010-09-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

(photo from flickr)

When someone reveals the nature of their character, believe them.

This is the thought that keeps popping in and out of brain lately. I know there is some famous quote along these same lines, but the point is that one should play close attention to actions. Do they match beliefs? When someone, maybe in their worst moment, or angriest moment, or most desperate moment, shows you a side you don't want to believe is there, well- believe it. I think, especially women, we tend to minimize behaviors. We tend to dismiss them and sweep them under the rug. Especially if we can find some outlying circumstance to attribute the behavior to. He was drunk... she was really angry... he was under so much stress... you know how it goes.

I know it seems like very basic stuff, but I am really now learning that we teach people how to treat us. Personally, I am terrible with boundaries AND I am very much a people pleaser. The two together makes me a prime door mat material. It is more comfortable for me to accept mistreatment than it is for me to stand up for myself or create conflict. I don't really want to continue to be this way. So what if I piss someone off? My self-respect is on the line. Who do I love more? Myself or that person? Who's happiness is more essential to the well-being of my daughters? That persons or mine? I challenge women like me to protect themselves. To stop fearing conflict, or the thought of being "displeasing" - honor yourself. Love yourself. Respect yourself. If you don't, nobody else will.

Lately it seems like I have been encountering women married for twenty plus years who are newly divorced. I feel a significance when they share their story, and I know it is supposed to mean something to me. Maybe I am supposed to be grateful that I didn't spend thirty two years in an unhappy marriage, raising kids, emptying the nest, and then get a divorce? Maybe I am supposed to recognize that even those that follow the typical lines I sometimes feel guilty for coloring outside of, well, they don't have it any better. They aren't happier. We are all susceptible to failed relationships.

I miss feeling connected, and feeling like I have a sense of community. Lately I have been feeling disconnected from even my best friends. I go to church but don't feel the love. Its a great collection of strangers. Last night I was crying to my mom on the phone, mostly feeling lonely. About ten minutes after our conversation ended, Brooklyn comes walking into the living room, and she crawls up on the couch with me. We laid there, and talked. I didn't feel lonely anymore. Her chatter slowly became quiet, and I could hear her little girl snores. She fell asleep in the nook of my arm. I decided to lay there and savor everything about it. I wanted to memorize the way it feels to hold my six year old baby sleeping. A bit later, Charlotte comes toddling up to the couch, carrying her favorite soft blanket. I pull her up on the couch with us. I held my two sleepy baby girls and looked at the ceiling, and smelled their freshly washed curls, I listened to their sleepy breathing. I noticed I was anything but lonely. I thanked God. And I fell sleep.

In an earlier post I shared a video of a poem that I love. The last line is "There is heat, and freezing be a testament"- we have to know what its like to freeze to truly appreciate the heat. Warmth exists. I believe that. I typically don't struggle with loneliness or being single. In fact, I quite prefer it. But once in awhile, loneliness creeps up and pesters me. I am thinking, though, its a blessing. Yep. Loneliness is a blessing. It is the freezing that makes heat so beautiful. And, if you are as lucky as I am, you have little people who can't get close enough to you. They fit in your arms like puzzle pieces. They get their heat from you. There is no such thing as freezing for little girls who always have a mommy to hold them. Is there anything more beautiful than that? Does anything else really matter?

Somewhere out in the world, there is a nook that I fit perfectly in. I am his puzzle piece, and he is mine. Maybe he longs for me too. Maybe not. Maybe he knows the freezing all too well. Maybe he gathers his warmth from talks with God, and his own little people, like I do.

If you have community, connectedness, companionship, take a moment to praise God. Be thankful for the beautiful relationships in your life. If you are otherwise a little cold, or maybe freezing, I will share my blanket until warmth finds us again.

2010-08-16T20:56:00.000-07:00

Today was Brooklyn's first day back to school. I snapped a picture with my phone real quick this morning as we headed out the door. This is grandma's house. (Well, one of them.)

We went to the first day of school ceremony. The kindergarten kiddos look so little! I don't remember Brooklyn looking so tiny. I wished her a great first day, and started walking down the sidewalk to our car with my Charlie monster. Another mom, who works at the school asked, "Is this Brooklyn's sister? She has gotten so big! She was such a baby last year and now she looks like a big girl... how old is she?"

"She's two. And a half. We are half way through..."

(chuckles) She said three was actually pretty bad for her. To which I reply, "Oh no! Don't say that."

"I was pretty spoiled with Brooklyn. She was the best toddler,"

Then the mom said, "She is a great kid all the way around. She is always happy, always has a smile on her face, she has the best personality..."

I can't remember if I thanked her for complimenting my girlie so. I was too busy smiling and feeling all kinds of proud.

I have heard it said that our children are not our own. We are merely facilitators. For such a short time, they are with us. We are supposed to teach them as best we can. All parents with grown children assure me that I will mess up. My kids will hate me at some point. I will fall short and I will wound them. There will come a day, when my girls wake up and realize that mom is human. She isn't any super woman. She makes huge mistakes. She gets lost and confused and really doesn't have all the answers.

Tonight, before bed, I hugged Brooklyn extra long. I told her I love her so so so much. And that I am so so so proud of her. I really am. She is the most beautiful soul I have ever met, and I am so excited that for the rest of my life, I get to know her and love her. I feel the same way about my Charlotte. She isn't nearly as sweet, but she makes up for it in strength of will. Charlotte will be her own woman. The sassafrass is so smart, so strong willed, and so funny! It amazes me, the intentionality with which they were created. They compliment each other so well, the way best friends should.

I wish I could give them the world, everything they ever want. I wish that when Brooklyn asks about the ocean I could take her there tomorrow. I wish I had a home in the country, and a horse for them to ride. I wish I could buy them the latest toy, or take them to disney world. Most of all, I wish I could give them the ideal family that we all seem to long for. I wish there were no every other weekend with dad visits. I wish they could see inside my heart, to understand fully how much I love them and why I have made the choices I have.

When my human-ness becomes all too much, when my mistakes make them angry, when they hurt because so and so's mom and dad are still together... I hope they know they have a perfect God, who created them perfectly, who knows their hearts, and is always there to love them through anything.

This facilitating stuff is hard work. Suddenly my heart aches for Mary...

a new direction for this here blog

2010-08-15T20:09:00.000-07:00

Life is interesting, isn't it? I mean, so many times what we plan for, what we imagine, what we dream of, what we believe we can count on... it never happens. Maybe fairy tales ruin us. Maybe expectations of others leave us no choice but to fall short. Maybe we make our own choices, and after so many choices, we look ourselves in the mirror and wonder how in the world we arrived here. What went wrong? The retrospection is dangerous, and quite useless. As is the guilt, the shame, the anger we turn inward.

When I was a teenager, barely sixteen, I moved out of my home. That was, at the time, the healthiest choice I could have made for myself. By eighteen, my stellar grades hardly meant a thing, because I was pregnant. I was pregnant and alone. I remember one night I slept with my Bible, I was so afraid. Boys don't make very good men, and it was only a short matter of time before I found myself with a beautiful baby girl, a heap of pain from infidelity, and single.

Every woman, at some point, should experience what it is like to walk in the front door after the end of a long day, with no one but herself to keep her company. It is both empowering and humbling at the same time.

Along comes this perfect stranger. He spent a summer making friends with Brooklyn before he ever even spoke to me. I think he knew the way to my heart was through my Brooklyn. It was absolute perfection, well, until one night he grabbed me by the ponytail and the arm, pulled me out of my car and through me down in the middle of the street. Apparently I didn't get to leave, if he didn't want me to. I remember standing up, adrenaline coursing through my veins, looking down at my hands at the gravel that had imprinted in my skin. I had to tell myself that this was really happening. The man I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with, the man I trusted to love my little girl, the man that I loved completely, was an abuser.

I encourage you, before you make assumptions, to learn about the nature of abusers and the women who find themselves with them. On average, a woman in an abusive relationship attempts to leave her abuser seven times before she gets out for good. I lived it, for nearly five years. I must have tried to leave dozens of times, only to find myself right back in his grip. I took a class on domestic violence. I read every book I could find on the matter. I had an amazing support system of women who were willing to do anything to get me away from him. I can't tell you why it took me so long to leave.

So, I found myself single, now with another baby girl, and a daughter in love with a man that went about destroying her mother. As he had women before me, and I am so blessed to call a few of them friends. I have definitely had a few lingering looks in the mirror, wondering how in the world I arrived here.

Dare I say, this is the best time of my life. I have been on my own for quite some time now, and I love being a single mother. It is so hard, don't get me wrong. But I am so much happier than I ever could have imagined. I love waking up to my girls. I love tucking them in and saying prayers at bedtime. I love that they get to see me strong, independent, and growing more lovely with each passing day. They get to witness an amazing transformation in their mother... a mom who loves and respects herself. I can't help but believe, that some of it will be imparted on them. I have yet to meet a man good enough for them... good enough to model what a man should be, and how a man should love a woman.

I have been praying for my husband since I was five years old. I remember my very specific prayers, as a child, for a good man, for a husband who is a great dad. I also prayed that I would only be married once. I know to have two children, with two different guys, doesn't really fit in any box society is comfortable with. But I smile every time it comes up. Because I know, God heard the prayers of my five-year-old heart. And that is precisely why I have been engaged twice, but never married.

I have no real interest in dating. Although, I can't wait to hold hands. I can't wait to admire his laugh, his messy hair, the way he sings in the car. I can't wait to hug him so I can try to memorize the way he smells, the way my cheek rests on his chest... "In time, my daughter."

Statistically, I should never be where I am right now. Statistically, I should be neck deep in a horribly abusive relationship, raising two daughters that would no doubt follow in my footsteps. And in all actuality, statistically, I should be dead. I belong to God. He saved me. He saves me over and over, there are no limitations to His Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness, and Love. I get to experience a freedom, that one can only truly appreciate after living in years of bondage and brokenness, and abuse. Sweet sweet freedom.

I am as free as a bird.

Rest Awhile

2010-06-09T21:49:00.000-07:00

The settee above was my first vintage furniture piece. My mom bought it for me, and then paid to have it recovered. I love the original finish of the wood, the intricacies of the carvings, and I like to wonder about where it has been. I know it is over 100 years old, and that is a lot of life to live!

This weekend will be full of home projects and cleaning. My baby bird is sick with a viral infection in her throat. And, I really need a low key weekend as it is...

Hopefully I can accomplish a lot, and pick just the right spot for this treasure. I would like to put it in the girls rooms, but I am not quite that brave. I mean, it is white. And Charlotte is notorious for coloring on anything and everything.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

forgiveness- front and center

2010-06-05T01:03:00.000-07:00

I've caught myself feeling pretty happy, as of late. Maybe happy isn't the right word... maybe content would be more appropriate. I'm alright. And that is a good feeling.

There has been a huge shift in my walk. Over the last six years plus, my walk has been very healing focused... survival mode, just learning how to handle today and wake up tomorrow ready to handle that day. I realized I had many days in a row, when I was just okay. I was better than surviving. And then God started in with the whole forgiveness bit. More specifically, self forgiveness.

Now, I am a very insightful, self-aware individual. I feel like I see myself realistically, and if not, too harshly. But when it comes to self-forgiveness, it is like a big blind spot in my self-actualization. As much as I fight this, God keeps putting it front and center. He has made it clear, that this is a crucial part of moving forward, of becoming who He has created me to be. If I avoid this most important step, I will be stuck in okay.

I have always admired women who seem to really know themselves, and really LOVE themselves. I just wished I could encounter such peace with myself, all that I have been, currently am or ever will be. I am surprised at the compassion I feel toward others but not toward myself. But that whole self-love thing, I think it starts with self-forgiveness.

If my walk were on literal stepping stones, I just jumped to a new one. And on the previous one, I couldn't see too far ahead, couldn't see where I was going. But on this one, I can see it! I feel as though I finally see that place I have been striving for. The goal is within sight, no longer this far off place that I only dreamt of. I feel so willing to do whatever it takes to get there...

I must say, I couldn't have arrived here without several women, and my two little soul mates. They carried me. They upheld me. They forced me to refuse to give up. They made me believe that God is a tender and compassionate daddy. They made me laugh, and cried for me. They changed my life forever, and I wish there were words that could express just what they mean to me. Ma, V, Em- I love you so much. Thank you.

God, thank you so much. I am SO blessed. I can't praise You enough.

on the beginning of wholeness

2010-05-25T21:38:00.000-07:00

{art by Brady Quarles Art}

I love the movie Hope Floats. It does have all the makings for a movie I would love- quirky grandma, beautiful old home, Sandra Bullock, country boy, a camera, southern small town, mother-daughter love, and then that other kind of love...

I'd tell you about the movie, but I am hoping that you have already seen it or will sometime soon. But I love this quote from the end of the movie:

"My dad says that childhood is the happiest time of my life. But, I think he's wrong. I think my mom's right. She says that childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too... "

I feel as though I have been eating on the same piece of humble pie for quite some time. However well intentioned I may be, I seem to be making so many mistakes. But one thing is for sure, I have found myself at a new beginning. Beginnings are scary.

I take comfort in the fact that I never have to live the same day twice, and I always have the power to change. I am ready for God to make strength from the fear. I have this mental image of just laying down at Jesus' feet... washing them... drying them with my hair. Nobody is around. It is just He and I. And when I am done He lets me rest for awhile... just fall asleep in His arms like a child. I am longing for intimacy with God. I am longing to truly love myself and see myself as He sees me. I want to walk through life boldly, confident because of the One who has walked before me. He has made the way. I just have to listen.

It is a hard thing for a broken girl to learn to feel whole. I have learned, that there is nothing on this earth that will accomplish that.... not love, not accomplishments, not sex, not drinking or addictions, not children, not money, not a book, not a best friend or parent, not being beautiful or having power, nothing on this earth can make a person feel whole, fulfilled, complete. I wish I could say what I know the world wants to hear. But the truth is, it can only be found in God. I know this, and yet I go about aimlessly, indulging in worldly things, trying to escape what is and fill what isn't. Empty pursuits. Like I said, same big piece of humble pie.

I am at the beginning, and on my face. I am done brawling with reality. I am done with the empty pursuits. Lord, I want to want you more than anything else in my life. This is my heart song. Tonight, I just want to lay down, my head in your lap, and rest.

Here I am!

2010-05-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

Here I am!!!!!

I wanted to share with you my very first home grown peony baby. Isn't she lovely? I am rather proud...

I had been wanting this closet system for a while. For some strange reason there was no closet bar in Brooklyn's room. Putting the girls in the same bedroom meant I had to get this. I finally had enough money and went to Lowes- they were on clearance! I had to put it together and install it all by myself. I had it all organized pretty but the girls messed up my photo styling. Anyway, you get the idea...

Now if I could just afford some closet doors. :o)

My mom and I just got back from NYC last Sunday. It was a great trip! I love taking trips with her. She and I have the best time together. This is all the goodness that came home with me:

Magnolia Bakery cookbook

millinery from tinsel trading

christian dior lipstick from sephora

victorian lace and old purse from hells kitchen flea market (you wouldn't believe what I paid!)

princess fabric from purl soho, for a project for the girls

Don't get too excited about the Tiffany bag. It is a pen. It was given to my mom (she was there for business) and she gave it to me. Someday I will buy myself something I can wear...

I have a mad Charlie to tend to. I will be back soon. I am trying to be a better blogger!

Until next time...

daydreaming...

2010-05-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

I am listening to classical music on pandora and daydreaming...

:: green pastures ::

:: sweet horses ::

:: wildflowers ::

:: vintage dresses ::

:: laughter over a home cooked meal ::

:: roses, hydrangeas, peonies, camellias ::

:: finished projects ::

:: upcoming road trip with V ::

:: learning all kinds of new things ::

:: my first visit to ikea ::

:: being a really good blogger ::

Thanks for being patient with me.

Farm Chicks Giveaway!!!

2010-04-27T11:51:00.000-07:00

I have wanted to go to this show for a long time! My mom and I nearly went a year ago. Now, the farmchick herself is hosting this giveaway! I never win anything, but no hurt in trying, right?

It would be a dream come true...

plus or minus

2010-04-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles."

-- Audrey Hepburn

I found this on a friend of a friend's blog. I love Audrey. And I really love this quote.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a woman. Not just a woman, but a woman who loves the Lord. As soon as I type those words a little part of me cringes because I know that some people will be immediately turned off. But that's what I am after.

I have been journaling quite a lot lately, and I feel like I am on the verge of something big. God has been doing some subtracting from my life. He can do that, you know? He can decide he doesn't like this or that and before you know it, your life looks different. He adds too. He adds people, good good good hearted people. He adds opportunities. He adds a little adventure. He adds blessings that seem too good to be true. I have to admit, when I first started sincerely praying to live according to God's will for my life, I was all talk. I said it because I wanted to feel like I was living right. I wanted to feel like I was a good daughter. But when living on my own accord got so bad, so painful, that I became truly desperate to live out God's will- I prayed for it and meant it. I begged for it.I could no longer stand my own will. And folks, the changes that came with that HURT. The refinement that needed to take place was excruciating for my soul. It is still a little tender to the touch. But for the first time in my whole life, I AM FREE.

Isn't that crazy? That we come to know FREEDOM by submitting our lives to God? I think I must have heard that 1000 times. I had to live it to truly know what it felt like. The walk to the ledge is a bit scary. Looking over the ledge is gut-wrenchingly terrifying. The step off the ledge makes your heart stop beating and your organs drop. The falling is half frightening and half exciting. You become fearful of the landing... and then... you are caught in His arms. The landing is soft and warm and safe and beautiful. And you feel silly for being so afraid in the first place. That is what trusting God feels like for me.

I have been so wounded by human beings that I struggle to trust the Creator of the universe and every creature in it! How non-sensical is that? But God gets me. He knows where I am coming from. And He knows way deep down, I love Him. I want to trust Him. I am trying with every ounce of capacity my little human heart has. I have prayed a sincere prayer of wanting God's will for my life, and I feel free- and He has given me a gift.

Before we can move forward, now is the time for you to truly extend yourself some grace. Come to see yourself as I see you. Learn to love yourself as I love you. Listen to the cries of your heart and understand where they come from. Nurse your wounds, child. Pause long enough for them to heal over. Be fearless about learning about your own nature, your faults, your strengths, your passions, your dreams. Be fierce about loving me. In exchange for your desire and willingness to want me more than anything in your life, I extend you the time and grace to come to heal, know, and love yourself deeply and completely. Let me show you how beautifully and wonderfully made you are...

Audrey seems to really know what she likes and what she believes in. She too, was no stranger to adversity. She loved laughing and kissing and so do I! Tomorrow is another day! Miracles are all around us! Audrey, you were on to something...

Life is so rich. It is so good and so full. God adds and takes away and sometimes it stinks and sometimes it takes awhile but you will find freedom and peace. I have a long way to go. A really really long long way to go. But I believe in miracles.

my cup runneth over

2010-04-08T14:39:00.000-07:00

So I have some exciting news to share! I got the job!!!! I really am so excited about this opportunity to work with kids, and I really believe it is such a great fit for me. Not to mention, this will be the kind of job that suits my strengths and where I believe I can make a difference. What could be better than helping kids?

My pear trees are blooming. I think spring is such a magical time of year. I love new beginnings, new life. When the trees get their green leaves and the flowers start blooming I feel like all is right with the world. This spring is a very special spring for me, I believe it is marked as one of my tried and true new beginnings. I believe this spring is the first spring of my brand new life. It is a very special thing, to remember how to love yourself. Let's just say, right now it feels as though there are unlimited possibilities for my life.

Women are amazing. They truly are! I feel like the women in my life have changed my life forever. They gave me courage when mine ran out. They prayed with me and cried with me and laughed with me and celebrated with me. I am nearly in tears over the love I feel for them. And tonight, I am going to meet more amazing women. Tonight I am joining a support group of women who have survived abuse. My hope and prayer is that I can be as loving and supportive of them as the women in my life have been for me.

Daughters can inspire you to do anything! (Sons too, I'm sure. I just don't have any of those.) Really, my girls make me feel like I can do anything and everything. They give me strength I didn't know I had. My girls have redefined so many things for me- beauty, joy, excitement, adventure, beauty, love, to name a few. But most of all, they have completely and totally redefined me. And I really like this version of me, the mamma version. I think I am just mostly overwhelmed at God's goodness and love.

I think the farmers market has started again. I'm thinking I will have to go buy some produce and flowers. Who knows? If its nice I might even wear a pretty sun dress and cowgirl boots.

Don't ever underestimate the power of a woman.

B is for Brazen

2010-04-03T15:47:00.000-07:00

I feel like my life is made up of all these different categories and elements. And I like to have them in some sort of order. I like to know where each one fits and how each ones aligns with who I am. That is how I am most comfortable. But lately, I am feeling like someone took all the individual parts, threw them in the monkey barrel, shook it all up, and poured them out all over the place- leaving me to run around like a mad woman trying to make sense of things again. Having no clue how to create order in the chaos, I find myself looking to God. Well, sort of.

I am suddenly highly aware of myself. Does that make sense? Like, I'm a 25 year old, single mom of two daughters. I get that. But I am also on my own. I go to bed on my own. I wake up on my own. I brush my teeth and look at myself in the mirror and say, "This is you, Kali. This is your life. This is what you look like when you brush your teeth." I find myself grabbing at happy bits of childhood, like somehow they can give me some kind of indication of who I am today. I read my daily devotional and it feels a bit like rhetoric, but I'm looking for God to beam down instructions for who I am and how I am supposed to live my life. I drink a beer or two with women that I admire, probing them for advice on how to be. If I find anything I thoroughly enjoy, I do lots of it, hoping I am learning something certain about myself. Sometimes, I willingly do something completely reckless because the consequences make me feel like I am alive. Maybe I am just a typical twenty-something. I think this might be part of the price I pay for having a child when I was 18. There is all this figuring out to do while you are in your early twenties...

I've been mulling over anything and everything. Like, how much money is too much money to spend on appearances? How will I handle things when a guy comes on to me? I can't do everything I would like to, as a mother, so which things are most important? What has my mother taught me about who I am? My father? What does God think about me? How do I feel about my body image, and is that appropriate? Is it okay for me to buy myself sexy underwear even if I am the only one who ever sees it? I really want a huge tattoo on my arm, but is that something I will regret? Will it send the wrong message to potential employers? Should I care? Could I wait for my husband, even though I have sort of crossed the point of no return in the sex department? Can a girl like me reclaim herself like that? I wonder what it would take to get into the best shape of my life... where do I start?

Do you see what I mean? IT. IS. EXHAUSTING.

Try being my friend!!! Bless their well meaning hearts... :o)

Today, lacking the energy to pray, I just asked God a question. And He answered.

You get to choose.

Really God? That's it? I get to choose? Well, why the heck did you make me so indecisive? I can barely pick out toilet paper, let alone major life defining/individual sculpting choices. Why can't I be like those women? You know which ones I am talking about. They are fiercely themselves, making no apologies, just living out who they are and enjoying it. They have this pull about them, their self-certainty is so attractive. How does one achieve that? How do I reconcile who I have been, who I am now, and who I want to be?

Jesus blessed the adulteress. Maybe if I could see Jesus, touch his hands, maybe then I could feel pure again, like I could live free of it all. Maybe if He walked up to me, blessed me, and with his sweet voice told me to go and sin no more, maybe then I would feel like I have the power to be different. Instead, there is this little quickening in my spirit, and once sentence, you get to choose.

I'm a grown up. A full fledged, on my own, make my own decisions and decide who I want to be grown up. And I am also in charge of raising two little girls. And I have an obligation to my husband, wherever or whoever he is... because I need to respect him and remain loyal to him, even in this time. If I share something, you must promise not to laugh....

I talk to him. I ask him, "Would you like a tattoo?" Or if the best song ever is on my radio, I sing it loud and wonder if he likes the song too. Living as a human trying to live for God is tough. It ain't easy being green. But the unlimited possibilities, the freedom to make a choice, that is one of the most beautiful parts of Jesus' life, death, and resurrection.

Happy Easter.

The first of April

2010-04-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

I'm wooing you with a pretty picture. (source unknown)

This weekend has to be a productive weekend. For starters, I have been applying for jobs. I recently interviewed for a job with a social service organization- which primarily works with children and families... and to say I really want the job is an understatement! I'm hoping and praying that it all works out. I will land somewhere eventually.

And, there is a big project in the works!!!! I feel like it is going to be so much fun!!! This little project has been waiting patiently for my life to free up a bit. It is a long time in the making. Check back here soon for the official unveiling! You'll be glad you did. :o)

I'm putting the final touches on that pretty bathroom. I know, it has been FOREVER. But it is almost ready for the close up. I have just realized that I have a TON of painting to do. Walls, trim, furniture, walls, walls, furniture... but the end result will be beautiful.

Spring is here, and it is lovely. I love Spring.

Charlie the cowgirl

2010-03-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

Today was a monumental day! It was Charlotte's first time riding a horse all by herself!! We are in Oklahoma, at my mom's house. Her house, for my girls, is as great as any vacation. Horses. A four wheeler. A playground. A forest. A lake. Boats.... SO MUCH FUN!

Being Brooklyn's first spring break, I had to do something. Nicco (my little brother) is her very best buddy. Riding horses is her very favorite thing. Naturally, this was her most favorite place to go.

The weather was absolutely beautiful today. Like- perfect. And Wall-E and Eva were especially well behaved.

It is official. Three generations of cowgirls. I wish these horses weren't four hours away. It would be so nice to just zip on over and let the girls ride any time they would like...

Since Brooklyn was just a bun in the oven, I have dreamt of the day I would own my own farmhouse and we would have our own horses. I'm trying to be patient. :o)

Tomorrow we are going antiquing/junking. I will be sure and share finds!

Hope your spring breaks are lovely and full of sunshine! (despite the forecast for snow...)

how do you eat an elephant?

2010-03-18T13:46:00.000-07:00

The warmer weather has all of us itching to get outside! The girls and I took a hike/walk the other day- along with Ollie the Cow dog. He is a good dog, and we sure do love him. He is also half lab and half collie- so he is very smart AND very full of ENERGY. I tell Brooklyn to get dressed so we can go for an adventure and that she will need pants on. To her this means wearing tights with the dress, and leopard print coat. She is fabulous and that's all there is to it.

My first week of weight watchers I lost four pounds. A small victory- but a victory. I feel like I am doing well adhering to the plan, and it hasn't felt like I have given up too much. I do have a terrible sweet tooth and there have been many times I have wanted sugary sweets. It comes down to self-discipline. I hope to start working out more. I love to lift weights, and I'm planning on taking a zumba class. It is supposed to be all the rage- check it out on youtube. And of course, there is always my one true love- YOGA! I do love yoga.

The weight loss part is really nice, but the best part is just taking care of yourself.

I know this sounds silly, but thinking about losing weight has me thinking about other things... like fashion! I like the idea that I might be able to wear some trendy things. Or buy a bathing suit. Speaking of, I really really really want this one:

I love the vintage style... the black... the neckline... its only $140 at Anthropologie! Couldn't you see it paired with some Audrey type sunglasses? A girl can dream though... and maybe by the end of summer, I might be ready to rock a two piece. MAYBE.

I think that every once in awhile, its good for us girls to be girly. Dream of dresses and pedicures and spend just a little extra time on our make-up. I really love being a woman. For so many more reasons then this...

Spring is almost here! The sun is shining on me through the window now as I type. I hope your day is as beautiful, where ever you are...

Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

2010-03-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

I love sesame street. I really love it. I spent hours watching it as a little girl, and I am certain that is how I learned all my letters and numbers before kindergarten. My great-grandma had to watch the news, and a soap or two, but I always got to watch sesame street.
Charlotte's recent stay in the hospital meant she got to watch a lot of television. Previously, it was a rare occasion to watch TV. I let the girls watch Saturday morning cartoons- but that was about it. A week in the hospital with nothing but a tv means a lot of cartoon watching. She loves Bob-Bob. (More commonly known as spongebob.) She requests him on an almost daily basis now. "I watch bob-bob, mamma?"
The other day, we watched sesame street. She now loves Elmo. It had been quite awhile since I had watched my long time friends. I caught myself smiling many times. Wouldn't it be nice to live in such a place? Where grown-ups are almost always happy? Everyone is friends with everyone, and even if you're grouchy people love you anyway? Singing and dancing are prerequisites for living in the neighborhood? I wish we could keep our world that way. I wish that we stayed childlike and that we never had to grow aware of this real world. I'd take a walk with Big Bird any day. Fortunately, I am lucky enough to have two daughters who see the world like sesame street and it makes me really happy to stop and view the world through their little bitty eyes every now and again. It refreshes my spirit- which longs to stay childlike.
I have also had a prompting of my spirit lately. You know, when you feel as though you will burst if you don't move in some direction, that you crave change more than you long to be comfortable. My spirit aches for purpose and for me that means the opportunity to help other people. My spirit longs for community, for others who are moving in the same direction- others who want to make the real world a little more like sesame street.

Sunny Day Sweepin' the clouds away

On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get, How to get to Sesame Street?

Come and play Everything's A-OK

Friendly neighbors there,

That's where we meet

Can you tell me how to get How to get to Sesame Street?

It's a magic carpet ride

Every door will open wide

To Happy people like you-- Happy people like

What a beautiful

Sunny Day Sweepin' the clouds away

On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get, How to get to Sesame street?

How to get to Sesame Street?

ikea (free shipping!)

2010-03-10T14:43:00.000-08:00

Finally, my ikea sofa and bookshelf arrived! I am so excited about getting my home in order. I have wanted this sofa for some time now.
I think I might use this shelf in my new office/creative space. Although, it would be very pretty in my living room...
In other news, Brooklyn has officially been reading books! It is really amazing to watch her read. I wasn't one of those parents who really pushed reading because I have heard that it makes no difference in a child's IQ. Well, at least that is what the study said. :o) I read to her often, and she has always had an interest in books. But now, seeing her read for herself- its just amazing.

I joined weight watchers online. I am optimistic about it. My mom has recently lost over 30 lbs on WW! I am very proud of her!

I hope to spend the next week or so making my house more homey...

2010-03-02T12:47:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to get back to photography. I recruited my best friend and her husband to let me take some pictures. They are such beautiful people. They have become family.

two of my favorite people from kali kerr on Vimeo.

I hope your week is off to a good start... spring is just around the corner!

Beautiful Mess

2010-02-28T09:12:00.000-08:00

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her."

-unknown

I found this quote from Erin's blog: rare and beautiful treasures. I think I may have seen this before, or one similar. But when I read it at her blog it hit me hard. It nearly brings me to tears. I want my heart to be that lost in God. It just isn't. I love God fiercely. But I'm not here yet.

I have felt so out-of-sorts, I don't think I know where to start falling more in love with God. I can be so spiritually ignorant/dumb at times. I think though, that it starts with little every day decisions. Don't say that. Don't make that choice. Go here rather than there. Pray about this instead of getting angry. Be still. Move. Listen. Dance. Delight. I am craving closeness with my Creator. I am longing to dance with Him. I miss the intimacy that came with being an innocent little girl. Somehow, we grow up and sin and become pulled in all these other directions- and suddenly I can't remember the last time I prayed, or read my Bible. What should be first priority becomes last. And then I wonder why it starts to feel like I am sludging along through life...

I want my life to be God-filled and adventurous. I want to live the dreams that God has for my life. I want to chase the Holy Spirit all day long. I want to be bold in my faith. I want to feel alive and fearless and audacious and strong. I want my life to reflect what I believe. If I walked through life, seeking God first, chasing after Him, delighting with all my heart and soul and mind, where might God take me? If I were brave enough to put God first, what would become of my life? Who would I meet? Where would I go? Who's hands would I hold or mouths would I feed? To what depths would I carry the light? If I became fearless and completely jumped, free falling, arms wide open, never once doubting, would my life with God become more amazing than I could have ever imagined? One day, would a man as bold, fearless, and in love with God walk along with me? Could I be the kind of woman that could only be found by seeking God?

Something is changing inside of me. Maybe God is tired of waiting on me and is prompting my spirit. All of sudden, I don't care about all the little trivial things that I have been hanging on to. I don't care about my past. I've lost interest in beating myself up. Guilt is no longer welcome here. What has been so important to me, isn't so much anymore. My eyes are fixed in a different place, a brighter place, and while they aren't quite focused- it is getting clearer.

Thank goodness that no matter how far away we stray, or how lost we get in this world or the people in it, we can always come back to Him. We can always fall in love again.

subtracting and simplifying

2010-02-26T21:14:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends!

I am sorry for taking so long to write. This year has gotten off to a CRAZY start. In fact, today was our first day home from the hospital. On February 21 Charlie turned 2. On the 22nd, she was admitted to the hospital with RSV- where we discovered that she also has asthma. We were finally able to come home today. As if things couldn't become more overwhelming, I got sick during our stay at the hospital. During the first part of February, there was an unexpected death in our family. This whole month has been a whirlwind and all I want is to just be home with my girls.

Speaking of home, I have slowly been working on projects here and there as I find time. I am going to school full time this semester, so finding time is tough. I am finding myself getting a little braver when it comes to color. I would like to do some entertaining this spring and summer, and I have many projects I hope to complete before then. The bathroom is almost finished... not sure which room I will move to next. :o)

I haven't taken pictures in quite some time and lately I am feeling drawn back to my camera. I'm feeling like life is getting too busy, too crazy, that I don't have time to really enjoy the things I love. I definitely feel like it is time to start subtracting from the obligations, the schedule, the stuff- and just SIMPLIFY. Can I get an Amen?

I miss posting on my blog. I miss sharing pictures of the pretties I find, the home projects, my daughters. Gosh, I haven't even taken pictures of them in months. MONTHS.

Hang in there with me. I will be back here in full form soon enough. I just have to get busy subtracting and simplifying...

life is good!!!

2010-01-25T07:50:00.001-08:00

Hello Friends! I am so sorry for not having any pictures to share! Please forgive me. I have been without home internet for awhile. (Ollie the cow dog chewed through the chord, I recently discovered. More on that later.)

I'm back to school and I am taking a full time load. I am enjoying my classes so far. My professors are all so very different, which makes for not so ordinary days. I have recently applied for a job at a fun restaurant/bar kind of place and I feel that the interview went well. Still no word... but I figure it will play out just as it should. I have started yoga and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! For the first time, I feel as though I have found a form of exercise that I would love to do every day. The girls are doing well. Brooklyn was recently recognized for being a good citizen in her class. Charlotte is suddenly saying everything. Lately she asks, "Whas dat?" about nearly everything. This is how they learn. I love her curiosity. Brooklyn is getting long and lean, her little face is just looking so much older. We have talks frequently. Sometimes we snuggle and talk about horses. Sometimes we snuggle and talk about dreams. Sometimes we snuggle and talk about our lives and what our goals are. I know better than to treat her like a grown up or a friend, but I think it is important to have these kinds of talks with daughters. I want her to know me. Really know me. She knows where I go to school, and what my dreams are. She tells me what makes her happy and how friends at school treat her. Sometimes parents can get so caught up in the everyday rigamarole and the never ending to-do list that they forget to slow down and just enjoy the company of their babies. I really like my kids. They are turning into way cool people. They are so very different and yet so similar, and I wouldn't change a thing about them.

I recently had laser surgery on my eyes. I refer to it as my own personal miracle. It is a miracle. I was previously legally blind without correction- worse than 20/800. I had surgery on a friday morning, and on saturday morning I read 20/15! God is good. That is all I have to say about that. And, it is amazing to wake up, open your eyes, and see. I will never take it for granted.

The bathroom is almost finished! I have a shelf and mirror to paint... then its done! I am trying to work steadily through one project at a time, but I must admit I have home project/painting ADD. Of course, you know this about me and love me anyway.

I have some amazing friends. Like, sisters-from-another-mother-that-really-love-each-other kind of friends. I am so blessed to have authentic, humble, loving women in my life. You won't hear a one of us talk bad about another. You will never feel judged. You will be told the truth, not just icecream cones. In our circle, you are welcome and beautiful and adored. When you are hurting, the group will nurse your wounds. When you are afraid, they will lend you their courage. When you overly excited, the group will get excited for you. We break bread together. We laugh til we cry together. We cry til we laugh together. I believe we all walk through life, stronger women, because we have each other. The funny thing is, I am not so good at intimacy with women. Or at least I wasn't. But I desperately wanted real friends. I'm not the girl who has BFFs from high school. I prayed for friends. For months and months. It started with one, and now there are many! Ladies- make friends. Pray for them. Find people who inspire you and who are positive and gravitate toward them. Now, more then ever, I believe that good friends are crucial to discovering yourself and finding your bliss. I had one friend: Emily. Through some prayer and putting myself out there, (including a blind friend date :o) I now know and love: Vanessa, April, Erin, Abi, Chandra, Emily, Laurel, Kat, and I am making new friends all the time!!! I have to say, my mom is my original, til death do us part best friend. Emily is my angel friend. Vanessa is my soul mate friend. April is my older sister/motherly friend. Erin is my quietly bold, encouraging friend. Gosh, I'm feeling like the luckiest girl ever!

Life is so good.

I'm going to need my internet for school, so I will get it up and going soon. Which means pictures of my bathroom, of my besties. And who knows what else...oooh...I have some fabulous flea market finds to share! I haven't done that for a while.

I hope that your year is off to a great start! I hope that where ever you are, you have some joy to share. I hope that you know some amazing women, who are only a phone call away. I hope that you dream...

Happy New Year!

2010-01-05T15:43:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Friends!!! I welcome 2010, and all that it will bring! I am optimistic about this year. I am hoping for a year of simple things. Simple joys. Simple days. Simplicity. Over the last seven years, my life has been complicated. I have been on one long roller coaster ride, and I feel like I have finally gotten off. It is so hard to surrender things to God. For me, it is so hard to trust. I have been trying to get to know God as my Dad, and thankfully I have some wonderful friends who are helping me with all of this. I am hoping that wherever I am, whatever our circumstances, I can feel content and peaceful. I have started yoga and I love love love it! The girls and I are making one big girly room out of our downstairs family room, and we are redoing the downstairs bathroom. I hope to host many girl's nights in our new creative/office/workout/sewing/whirlpool tub/big tv space! I have some awesome helpers... Please notice Brooklyn's fabulous outfit...tights, shirt over shirt, swimsuit bottoms, fuzzy backpack. My girl puts together the craziest outfits! I am convinced she will be famous one day. She really loves helping with projects, and here she is taking out screws for the door pulls.

We are painting the room a pretty blue green color. (Well, I am. ;o) And I painted the awful builder honey brown cabinet a creamy white.

Charlotte helps too. (Ignore the mess.) Here are my girlies sanding one of the cabinet doors prior to painting. I look at these pictures and I feel this sense of pride... like my little girlies don't yet think that there is any task they can't do or help with. In our home, women change light fixtures and tile floors and mud walls and paint rooms. We also have toenail painting parties, do our hair and make-up, dance and sing, and snuggle. Life with my two daughters is amazing. It is beautiful. Sometimes I have these moments when I just look at them, and I feel like the luckiest woman in the whole wide world.

(Charlie is wearing a diaper in this picture.)

I read blogs of other families. Every once in awhile, I long for a more traditional family. I long for a partner. I long to know what it feels like to be married. I wonder if I can be enough for two girls who deserve the best life has to offer. God kinda shushes my thinking. This is my lot. This is my life. And there is no point in wishing it to be different. And I have a feeling that the three of us are going to be just fine. Better than fine. I think our little family will be strong, beautiful, bonded, best friends, and we three girls will know God so intimately that nothing else will really matter. I like that. I like knowing that God lives in our home. I like knowing that when I lay in bed at night, finally quietness exists, and half my bed is full of notebooks and journals and self-help books and a Bible that has surely seen better days.... God is right there with me. He is enjoying watching me smile as I find that scripture that is perfect in that moment. He is in every cup of hot tea that warms my body. He is in the soft pillows, the warm quilts. The pretty dresses hanging in my closet. He is in the warm socks from a woman I love like a sister. He is in the unexpected late night text from Emily, who just thinks of me. He is in the pretty metal bed that was exactly what I was looking for, and $20 at a thrift store. He is in the comfy jammies that are completely practical and not at all pretty. He is in my heart. He is in my heart.

This year, I want God to fill up every nook and cranny of my life. I want to exude His love, as well as I can. I want to make people laugh, and give away love like its my job. I want to smile and laugh and wear pretty vintage dresses. I want to take care of body. I want to try new foods and stick with yoga, and travel. I want to snuggle my girls until they are sick of me. I want to cook big dinners for the people I love. I want to fix up my home, one room at a time, because I love my home. Because it is a home to royalty- princesses who surely deserve beautiful surroundings. This year, I want to serve. I want to just love on people. I want to love better- starting with loving myself.

Here's to the miracle of a new day! Here's to a new beautiful year! Here's to the chance to create the life we were designed to live! Here's to inviting God in your home and heart! Here is to finding peace and contentment, wherever you are...

one eyed one horned flying purple people eater

2009-12-14T11:55:00.001-08:00

I am alive. I have been MIA for some time now. I hope you will forgive me.

I am wrapping up the semester, and I have just one final left! I am very ready for Christmas break! I am ready to be home. Stay home. Paint home. Decorate home. Cook at home. I have reclusive tendencies anyway, but in the winter, I just love especially love being home.

Brooklyn lost her first tooth the first week of December! Charlotte is talking all the time, in full sentences. She is very ornery. Brooklyn loves kindergarten. Charlotte's favorite meal is "peadabud" which means peanut butter. The girl wants peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast lunch and dinner. Brooklyn just went to the princess and the frog movie with her dad, and she really liked it. She may have to go again with me.

I have been journaling a lot, and just enjoying the girls. We spend a lot of time snuggling under a quilt and drinking hot chocolate, watching all those "Christmas progrums" as my grandma would say. I enjoy school, but it is always a relief to knock out the semester. I have been cleaning and organizing in my spare time... and there is still so much to do. I keep taking things to the salvation army, and still I come up with more stuff to donate. You know me, I still visit the fleas. I went yesterday, in fact. I have some great things to share. Soon.

Twenty-five isn't so bad. It is actually kinda awesome. I am feeling so blessed, and I feel like things are going to be okay. Hopefully next semester I will be working at one of the local schools, and I am very excited about this possibility!

I am going to finish up my Christmas shopping this afternoon! Now I just need to get the trees up. Yep. I am that far behind.

I will be back with pictures. I promise.

25

2009-11-14T23:03:00.000-08:00

Today is my last day of 24. I feel strangely about 25, but I don't know why. I will be lucky if 25 years is a quarter of my life. For my bfather, it was nearly half of his. Which brings me to the little thought that is making me so uncomfortable.

We only get one shot at this.

I have one chance to live. To really really live. I could never know when my time is up. I have to make everything count. I am building a legacy with each day of my life. Who am I? What do I stand for? Do I live a life that reflects what I believe in? Do I love well? What are my daughters learning from me? What is my love life with God like?

God has been loving me til it hurts. I am hurting. He feels distant and close all at the same time. I cry for Him and I don't really know why. I feel hopeful and lost and blessed and sorry for myself and it doesn't make sense. You know, for a long while I was just complacent. I was going through the motions of life, spiritually numb. I had knowledge of God. I knew some scripture and the all the churchy stuff. In March, a beautiful girl spoke prophetically over my life in an airport. It was a surreal experience that I couldn't quite grasp in its entirety. I will never forget her face, her eyes, the truth that she shared. It was an emotional experience, and as strongly as I felt at the time it soon faded from my mind. Then, the drought. A large portion of my twenty-fourth year was a spiritual drought. I was dry and barren, with little to offer anyone around me. I wouldn't have known God's presence if He had sat down next to me on a park bench. One by one God starting putting people in my life and answering prayer. I could see the work He was doing in people that I love. I started attending AA meetings with Austin and I witnessed miracles in the lives of strangers and I loved God more for it. I couldn't feel Him for myself, but I could for others. My mom was baptized again and so was my little brother. I remember him asking me if I saw anything in his eyes. (My mom told me to be sure and notice the "sparkle".) I said, "You have a sparkle in your eyes!" He said it was from Jesus being in his heart. I remembered for just a second how real God felt to me as a child. I just felt it for an instant. I longed for it again. The next day Brooklyn was looking in the mirror. She turned around and asked me, "Mom, do I have a sparkle in my eyes?"

I realized my spiritual drought was costing me dearly. I told her she absolutely had the brightest sparkle in her eyes. She told me she wanted to be "babatized" and my heart was heavy. I felt guilty. We don't even go to a church for her to be baptized. Here was my five year old daughter, hungry for a God that I once knew intimately and chose to disconnect from. We pray together. We pray together as a family. It was a sunny day this summer, while we all sat around the table outside with dinner, that Charlotte prayed for the first time. She bowed her head and closed her eyes and put her little hands out to be held. It was a beautiful moment. I was overcome with a feeling I can't explain. My children are not my own. I am just a facilitator. I have a job and obligation, and if I fail to do it now, I am changing their whole lives. God gave them to me, trusting that I would raise them to know and love Him. How was it my babies were teaching me about God?

God seems to use vacations to get my attention. My mom and I went to San Francisco last month. It was such a great trip. She had been telling me I needed to read this book. I saved it for the trip, knowing I would have plenty of time to read on the plane. It eloquently painted a picture of God- Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It helped me understand that I was struggling to know God as a dad. The whole trip long I just felt so blessed. So so so blessed. I am so poor, I hardly get to go out to eat. My clothes come from thrift stores, or occasionally target or old navy. In my twenty-fourth year, I had to make $5 last three days. Staying in a new city, eating wonderful food, drinking up every bit of my mom that I could, buying over priced make-up and outfits for my girls... it is like being a princess for a few days. I feel like God gives me a few days to treat me, to remind me that I am special, to just lavish me with joy, and especially the gift of my mom's time. It's funny how you can build walls all around your heart, shutting God out, and what does He do? He pours out His blessings until you can't help but feel the richness of His love right through those wretched walls. He never stops pursuing me.

Never in my whole life, have I wanted God more than anything else. I have always loved God, but I haven't desired Him above all else. I have wanted relationships, and things, and direction, and to be changed. I have prayed for selfish things. I have allowed myself to become consumed with people and situations and circumstances- my whole thought life revolves around them. Never have I genuinely prayed to know God, to have a relationship with God, to live for God, and truly yearned for it with all my heart. I have never worshiped God with my life. I want that to change. I have only in the last few days been praying to want God more than anything else and above all else. I want to let God be my father.

I have this book of 100 favorite Bible verses. I sat down at the computer to type this post. I asked God to speak to me through a verse. I closed my eyes and "rouletted" until I felt the feeling to stop.

The Never Ending Story

God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

-John 3:16

If I am to have everlasting life, then 25 really isn't such a big deal. I don't need to be afraid of a life that doesn't matter. I matter. I matter so much that God gave His Son for me. I look for meaning in all these extrinsic things. They are not what gives my life meaning. It is an empty search. My time here is so short. And however long I might have left, I want to worship God with my life. I want the way I live to reflect what I believe. I am a daughter of the King. Jesus is the ultimate Bridegroom. The Holy spirit lives and breathes in me, and I know what it is like to be loved completely and perfectly. Someone died an extremely painful and agonizing death, so that I wouldn't have to. He took my place. He took my place.

The prayers for my twenty-fifth year will be seeking to know and love God above everything else, and of gratitude for my Savior. Every day, I will pray these things. I can't wait to see what God does with me during my twenty-fifth year.

Ideas for Brooklyn's room!

2009-11-13T01:51:00.000-08:00

I love light, subtle colors, sparingly among whites. I want an all white bed. I have slowly been incorporating brighter colors into Brooklyn's room. With her sixth birthday having just passed, I decided it is time to let her have just what she wants. PURPLE!

I stopped by TJMaxx today, not really intending to buy anything. Then I found this duvet cover with little embroidered flowers in all shades of purple... hmmm... price check : $12.99. I thought it would be very pretty for my purple princess. It is from designers guild. I had never even heard of the brand. I googled it when I got home, and currently their website has this listed ON SALE for $130!!! I am glad I picked it up!

I like these sheets from Walmart. I don't like Walmart. But I like their better homes and gardens line. Twin set for $12.88!

Now, watch me attempt "Modern" with this giant polka dot bedding. It is just all the right colors. Brooklyn loves it, and it is $39.50 for the comforter/sham. And it is reversible. I will find some way to layer all the bedding, and it will look lovely.

I am thinking of painting one wall that pretty raspberry color... way bright. And she needs this for her closet:
I already have a chandelier that I thrifted for $7.98 to spray paint purple. I have been saving these tissue paper poms from Martha Stewart's bridal party line. I am getting so excited! I think her room will be perfect for her. Because if she were a color, she would be a very bright one- and I love that about her.

This Sunday is the monthly flea! I hope to find some great things for my home. Wouldn't it be awesome to find some sort of vintagey purpley goodness for Brooklyn's room? Next up: Charlie's big girl room!

Best Friends Forever

2009-11-12T07:33:00.000-08:00

I love Mondays. Monday nights are when we girls get together. We bounce around to different venues. It isn't every Monday that we all can make it. But it is always a great night.

These women represent so much to me, but most of all they are answers to prayer. I have prayed and prayed for real friendships, for Godly women in my life. Slowly, God answered my prayer. And now, these girls make my life richer. They mean so much to me. And I am so so so grateful.

April, you definitely put the R in Rad.

stale blog!

2009-11-10T08:28:00.000-08:00

I am sorry. It has been too long. The least I could for you is post a few pictures! My goodness!!!

I have so much going on, and every spare moment I have at the computer is spent editing pictures from that wedding. Hundreds. of. pictures.

I hope to get back to regularly scheduled programming soon. :o)

sending some love your way,

kali

2009-10-19T23:35:00.000-07:00

{from suchprettythings - of shabby chic couture in NYC}

{source unknown}

I'm a chair gal. I just love chairs. A pretty chair is like a beautiful invitation... that is what I see when I look at a chair. Recently, my dad and stepmom called saying they found a pair of chairs at a garage sale that they thought I might like. Isn't that the best? When family or friends just see something and think of you? I do love chairs. In talking with my dad on the phone, he adds, "Yeah, and we have this rocker... it was your great grandmother's... it can't be any newer than the 1920's. The seat has a tear so it needs to be reupholstered but you can take it if you want."

Are You freakin kidding me?

You mean, my great grandma Opal that practically raised me from infancy to 5, had a rocker that you remember as a child and it has been sitting in some room in your house, torn and alone? What in the world could you mean, if I want it?!?!? Quite frankly, I can't think of many things I have wanted more.

I love Christmas. I love everything about the season. Last year was a hard year for me, and I just never got into the Christmas spirit. Well, I plan to make up for last year with this Christmas! I know my house isn't going to be perfect by Christmas, but I would like to work on my dining room. Thus the pictures of all the cane back chairs. I have inherited my grandma's dining table/chairs/hutch. They are a strange wood finish, but the lines and design are remarkably french inspired. I love chairs and Christmas and France. I am thinking I will recover the seats in a pale blue green linen, paint the whole thing a creamy white, distress distress distress and slap on some wipe on poly. Maybe I can recruit the worlds best seamstress (my mommy :o) to help me make those little skirts for the chairs? They border on a little too frilly for me, but I just love the idea of pretty skirts for pretty chairs.

I miss my great grandma. She would have been so crazy about my girls. When I was brand new, both my parents went to school and worked. I spent a lot of time with my great grandma. She thought I was the best thing in the whole world (the only grandchild in the state) and she just delighted in me. I remember so many details about her. At night she would let me wear one of her pretty night gowns. We would put face cream on together. She would tell me stories until I fell asleep. She was exactly the grandma you would hope for. She eventually got Alzheimer's and would have trouble remembering who I was. It is a terrible disease. Recently, I went to dinner with one of my uncles when he was in town. I asked about my great grandma. He talked about all her pretty roses (at her home previous to the apartment I knew) and how she just took such good care of her home. He told me that her house was the best part of Christmas- she bought the best presents and it was quite the affair. The boys (my dad and his two brothers) went in their sunday best, and they ate a huge dinner. It shouldn't surprise me that she was a great gardener. I knew she was a wonderful cook. She made things beautiful. I want to be like her.

Maybe this Christmas, we will wrap a present for her. And when we open it, I will tell the girls about their great great grandma Opal, and what an amazing and beautiful woman she was.

Wishing you beautiful chairs and beautiful memories,

kali

balancing

2009-10-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

{pictures from la madone in Provence, France}

I thought I would woo you with other peoples pretty pictures. Sorry.

Oh, the balancing act. The balancing act that we all attempt. I wish it were easier. A long time ago someone suggested to me that I look at my time as an investment, and that investing my time in my children will always yield amazing returns. That I will never regret it. That it would always be a great investment. For some reason, I really held on to that. And it helps me, when I consider how financially strained I have been since making the choice to stay home with Charlotte. It will be worth it and I know that. I have to say, I have days when it is hard to imagine ever being financially comfortable again. And then I feel irresponsible. I feel guilty. I feel like I should be working and that I am in no place to continue to stay home with her. But then I imagine dropping her off at daycare every day, and somebody else spending more time with her than I do. I remember that my time is an investment more valuable than money, and that I really am investing wisely. I will work again, and I will have money someday. I won't regret this time I have had to stay at home with my daughters.

I am trying to do lots of things. I am trying to have a weekly girls' night. I am trying to take classes. I am trying to clean my home. I am trying to spend time with my girls. I am trying to go on dates. I am trying to plan fun things to do as a family. I am trying to spend time with my mom and grandma. I am trying to work in family gatherings and friends celebrations and silly adventures. I am trying to study for tests and type papers. I am trying to organize. I am trying to paint rooms. I am trying to clean toilets. I am trying to vacuum and dust. I am trying to gather things for goodwill. I am trying to create my own office. I am trying to edit pictures. I am trying to budget and pay bills.... so many things. Lately, I feel like I am not doing well at the balancing act, and that it would be best if I considered how I am investing my time- and prioritize according to what is most important to me. Put on the brakes... slow down... take a few breaths before I get going again...

This weekend I am going to San Francisco with my mom. I am looking forward to getting away with her. We have the best time together, and I always regard our trips as some of the best times in my life. I can't wait to just enjoy her, laugh with her, over-eat with her, smell the ocean air with her, take pictures with her, just be with her. I am so blessed. God is so so so good to me. My life is full of amazing people and my mom is right there at the top of the list.

This week, I am slowing down. I am re-evaluating. I am spending time with my girls. I am checking things of the to do list. And hopefully next week, I will be better at balancing less.

Thank you friends.

law of attraction

2009-10-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

Finally! A pretty post with pictures! I know we have all heard about claiming things we want. Oprah did a whole show on the law of attraction. (Based on The Secret, which I have not read.) I don't know how, but it works for me. If I say out loud something I would like to find, I seem to find it. Maybe it is because I am more intentional about looking for that item. Maybe it is a little present from God. Maybe its positive juju and putting my desires out there in the atmosphere. Maybe its just pure coincidence, perhaps luck. Whatever it is, I said I wanted to find a vintage suitcase. One with a pretty satiny interior. I found this at a thrift store for $1.98!

Teeny tiny vintage Christmas ornaments. They look big here, but they are those little tiny ones. For 29 cents. I know it!

I found this scrapbook album at an estate sale. Today, which is a Saturday. And everything was 50% off. I have wanted to find one of these for a while. I love this one!

I snapped a few shots of the ephemera. The pictures with dates are from 1910-1915. This girlie and I have a lot in common. She loved animals, especially horses...

and Christmas! She loves Santa and Christmas!

The crying baby picture has a caption tired of waiting on Santa...

More Christmas, and animals...

And fashion of course!!! I love the shopping scene from the 1800's.

Then there is this little rocker. It is a cute little thing, just Charlotte's size. Or Teddy's.

Tomorrow is the monthly flea! The girls are spending the night with "Hamma and Hoppa" as Charlotte says, so I get to go sans kiddos! I'll be sure and share my goodies.

What is equally as exciting as lovely finds, is getting rid of stuff!!! I took four trash bags full of stuff to goodwill today. One bag was full of toys. With Brooklyn's upcoming birthday I knew I needed to get rid of some. As soon as Charlotte wakes up, I will be going through her room. I'm on a roll ladies... there's no stopping me...

wishing you happy finds and a great weekend!

kali

silliness

2009-10-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

Forgive me, as this post might seem all over the place.

I have taken to drinking tea. I have tried several kinds lately. Fall here has been especially cold (In fact, it's like we skipped fall altogether!) and that has me looking for something warm to drink. Because of our strangely cold weather, the garage sale has been postponed till spring. It will certainly give me enough time to price things!

I think I might be a worry wart. I seem to have a day of worrying every month, where suddenly I am overwhelmed by everything there is to worry about... you know how it goes. Isn't it funny? Worry is so wasteful! Usually my mom or Austin keep me grounded with their reassuring "everything will be alright" speech. Maybe I just need the chance to say out loud all those worries that muddy my mind.

Life is happening. Right now. I am living in my life and the days become years, and nobody is going to create the life I want for my girls and myself, except me. These are the kinds of thoughts that keep haunting me. Brooklyn will be six in less than a month! How did that happen? Where does the time go?

I know it is very natural for most people to make choices about their lives, for themselves. For some people, they are at A and they want to reach B and there are several choices they make to get them there. This is where my indecisiveness gets the best of me. There are too many variables. There are too many uncertain outcomes. There are too many options and too many unknowns and no guarantees. Add to that the opinions of others and their expressions of exactly what they think you should do, and you have the perfect recipe for the rut of indecisiveness. I am so afraid to make big decisions, and once I do, I want everyone in my life to give me permission to make those decisions. Isn't that silly? At the core of this, is a lesson on trusting God. Sometimes I seem to forget that God is Lord over my life. He is in control. I'll get it...

I have made one decision, though. And I feel pretty good about it. I want a dog. I mostly want a dog for Brooklyn and Charlotte, because they are so in love with every animal they meet. I have been checking our local humane society's web page almost daily, waiting for the one. I think I have found her. I will meet her tomorrow and report back to you if we add a family member!

I am totally excited about Where the Wild Things Are coming out on Friday! We will be taking the girls for sure. Okay, I promise the next post will be way better, with pretty pictures to boot!

a wedding day

2009-10-10T07:41:00.000-07:00

"All the technique in the world doesn't compensate for the inability to notice."

-Elliot Erwitt

I'm photographing a wedding today. I am a little bit nervous, but mostly I feel like I am going to rock. I love weddings. I really love the friend that is getting married today. She has been one of my strongest supporters and encouragers and she believes in me. There is such power in believing in someone! Don't underestimate the power of believing.

This friend of mine was there for me the day I was laid off from a job of seven years. She looked me dead in the eye and told me I needed to pursue photography. She forced me to see the light when I wanted to wallow in darkness. I can still remember the look on her face. I can remember the way she spoke. But mostly I remember the way she believed in me. She believed enough for the both of us.

Now, it is her wedding day. A long road has led her here. Today, she will promise the rest of her life to a man that she loves dearly. A gentle man. A creative man. An unlikely man. Her man. I can't wait to watch them smiling at each other! I can't wait to see her so happy! I can't wait to watch them dance and laugh and be in a moment that transcends themselves. I can't wait to document it in pictures. That will be a full circle moment for me. My hope is that every picture somehow speaks of love, and softly whispers, "I believe in you too."

What an honor it is to photograph such a beautiful day! I don't know how many weddings I will photograph, but the thought of just one almost makes me tear up with humility. To be trusted to photograph a day that entire lives are built on, a day of a promise to God, a day of celebration of a lifetime union- that is an honor I can't describe.

Congratulations, dear friend. I pray that your love for one another is deep and everlasting. I pray that it brings out the joy in you. I pray that you grow even closer together, and with God, in a way that brings your heart peace, courage, and true love. I pray that in your marriage, you love fiercely and are loved fiercely. I pray for your families as they become one big family, that your marriage will be a foundation for the generations that follow. I pray that you laugh all the time together. I pray that through each other, you both learn more about yourselves, and you learn more about God's love. I pray that when you are in your eighties, you still can't keep your hands off each other. ;o) Most of all, I pray that you both will be blessed beyond measure as husband and wife.

love always,

kali

{the photographer}

I want to dress like this!!!!

2009-10-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

{http://heartinprovence.blogspot.com}

I recently found the blog of the woman on the right. She lives in Provence, France. (sigh)

Her home is lovely, her pictures are lovely, her garden is lovely, and her clothes are lovely! I want to dress like this! Give me a dress and a hat and let me work around the home all day long! Move me to Provence and I will cook you three meals a day, in my pretty dresses of linen and lace... please visit her blog. (psst... she is getting ready to sell some clothes on her blog. :o)

Over the weekend I deep cleaned my bedroom. I cleaned my closet. I deep cleaned my little master bathroom. I washed all my bedding. I found the perfect lamps at TJMaxx and now I finally have bedside lamps. One of my all time favorite things is freshly washed bedding, reading by lamp light with a cup of tea, the fall breeze through the window... makes me so happy. I do find so much joy in simple things. Home things.

I also went through all my bathroom drawers and cabinets. It feels good to re-organize and get rid of all the excess. Speaking of getting rid of excess, I am teaming up with my bestie Emily and finally having that garage sale. October 17-18. Mark your calendars! I am praying for not too cold weather.

Charlotte is quite the little spitfire. I have been referring to the girls as spitfire and sassafras. You know Brooklyn is a sassy little thing. I really love their personalities so much. I know Charlotte's stubbornness will serve her well one day. It will make me crazy. The baby girl is as outspoken as a toddler can be. She is quite assertive for such a little stink, far too busy to snuggle long. But every once in a while she stops what she is doing to come give me a hug and kiss and it melts my heart. Brooklyn is so much fun. She is just a fun kid. I love her girliness with a kick of tough. The girl is way tough. But she is all about make-up and clothes and dancing too. Oh, and Malachi and Saul. I thought I would have a few years before the boy crazies. Malachi is the bad boy. He gets yellows and even reds! (they have a color coded disciplinary system.) He is a cute little thing, with round cheeks and coffee w/cream colored skin. Saul is way trendy. He is the smart one, he knows how to READ and he wears the cutest little thick black framed glasses. He sports a little faux-hawk and he has a little lisp. He is too cute! I really like kindergarten age. Brooklyn is officially a daisy! She loves girl scouts, and is all about her friends. Tonight we took her to her school skating party. So much fun! She wants to have her birthday party at the skating rink. She'll be 6 in less than a month. :o(

I have been feeling pretty peaceful about life. I'm planning a getaway with my mom later this month to San Francisco! I have the best girl friends ever. I have recently started meeting with a counselor that I really like. I got an A on my first exam. My girls are happy and healthy. Last Friday I went on the best date I have ever been on ever! Austin planned a surprise date and it was a perfect evening. I am thankful.

I think I might buy some pumpkins tomorrow. I welcome Autumn. My hope for you is that this Autumn is a peaceful time, in a warm home with people you love.

love,

kali

{oh, and sassafras and spitfire}

24-Forged in the Fire

2009-09-29T22:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I stop and reflect on my life, especially my life since my baby girls. It has not been easy. I have endured trials I could have never imagined and I have found strength I didn't know I had. At twenty-four, I have lived a lot of life. But more than I look back and see struggle or pain, I feel blessed. I feel so very blessed! God has been so good to me and I am so grateful.

I don't have to look very hard to see the way that God loves me. My life, and my family, my friends, they are all evidence of how much God loves me. Twenties are hard no matter what, at least that is what I hear. But the bright smiles, the love, the people who are willing to walk beside you- they make all the difference. I feel like I have learned so much about myself in the last few years- some things I like, and some I don't. It refreshes my spirit to consider that this is merely the beginning of a life of refinement. God will be at work in me for all the days I am alive here on earth. Thank goodness this is so! Thank goodness no one stays the same from twenty-four to eighty-four! I am thankful for so much. I feel like I could burst!

I have learned so much, but there are a few things that really stand out to me. First, I have learned the family I am creating is nothing like my family of origin. I don't have to be afraid. I can know, from the start, that I will make mistakes. I will hurt my daughters. I will make wrong choices and that is okay. But I don't have to fear for my daughters what I experienced as a little girl. The great thing about being an adult with children, is that you get to make decisions about what is acceptable in their lives. Every single day, I get to create our lives. There is nothing to be afraid of. My daughters are happy, bright, vibrant, loving little girls. They know they are loved deeply. I'm doing what I am supposed to do. By the grace of God, I am a good mom.

I have learned that I have so much potential! I am a strong, independent, intelligent, caring, God loving woman! I love that I am very loyal. I love that I can be silly. I love that I can go without make-up, hair in a pony tail and I don't feel insecure. I love that I can finish something. I love that I am a good listener. I love that I am a mother. I embrace my disorganization, my indecisiveness, my lack of punctuality, my self-discipline that ebbs and flows, my messy home, my mistakes, my imbalances. I want to change these things. I am working on them. Just accepting that I have lots to work on is an accomplishment. I am so flawed. God doesn't care.

I have learned that identity doesn't come from all the things that people sometimes want to believe. Who I am, or am not, does not reside in my accomplishments, my bank account, my marriage or lack thereof, my gender, my socioeconomic status, my education, my appearance or what I own. Lord knows I have so much more to offer the world than any of those things can hold! I am so glad I have realized, by twenty-four, that I don't have to buy into all the crap that makes us all feel like we can never measure up. I can be rid of those pressures. Just think of all the better uses for my energy! Now, this is a daily decision. Believe me, I have those moments where I compare or I feel inadequate based on the standard somebody else sets, then I just have to choose to be kind to myself. Apples and Oranges folks. God doesn't care about all those worldly measuring sticks or compartmental boxes. There is no one in the world like me, and I am far too extraordinary to fit in any box.

There is no one in the world like you, and you are far too extraordinary to fit in any box. How dare someone try to measure you!?!?

Most importantly, I have learned how to love. I mean real love. I have learned to love from a completely selfless place, a place that God fills so that you can love like Him. I have learned true compassion, when I should have been angry. I have learned forgiveness. I hope that each person has someone in their life that has hurt them to the core, that has wronged them, that has brought them to their knees. I hope that they have made the choice to love that person. I don't mean accept mistreatment. I mean love them. Pray for them. In the face of their choices against you, I hope you find a place to love them from. I hope you forgive them so that you can pray fiercely for them. To be able to love someone, when they have given you every reason to walk away from them in either anger or sadness, that is remarkable. To love as completely as you can, and get nothing in return, this is loving like God loves. You could choose hate, but instead you choose love. The true beauty, is that it comes back to you. In one way or another, God blesses you tenfold...elevenfold. It may take time. You may have to endure a period of painful refinement. But it passes. And when it does, you are so much better for it. You love yourself more. You love life more. You love God more.

I am overwhelmed at how God loves me. His grace takes my breath away. In just over a month, I will be twenty-five. I know that it will be a lovely year. I know I will be amazed by what God has in store. I am amazed by what He has already started.

Twenty-four,

You were tough. You were a hard season of refinement, and still there is so much left to be done! As you come to a close, I am excited for the end of the chapter and grateful for what I have from it. You showed myself to me, my God to me, in ways I had never seen before. Because of you, I truly appreciate my strength- which always has and always will be in Christ Jesus.

love,

my crazy home

2009-09-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

{source unknown}

The girls and I are home today, and I thought I would take a minute to write before I tackled some more cleaning/projects. Sometimes when I need to clean but don't want to, I look at some inspirational pictures to get motivated. I like this one above. This is the color palette that I am going for in my entryway and kitchen. Somehow I keep acquiring vintage mirrors. I am not sure how I will use them, but I think some sort of grouping would be pretty.

I think entryways are important. I think porches and entryways are the first impression. The country blue and rose in my entryway are driving me bonkers. I so badly want to go to work... but I have a whole messy house to clean. You know that saying, "if you're not careful the things you own will start owning you"- well, that is how I am starting to feel. It can really become so overwhelming. Especially with two little ones who make messes faster than I can clean them.

I want to know what the secret is... How do some moms keep such a clean house? How do they get their kids to keep their rooms clean? How do they stay on top of laundry?

I have a PLAN. First, I am going to continue going through clothes and bag some up for a garage sale. (Which may be next spring.) I already have four trash bags of girls clothes. The rest I will be washing and drying throughout the weekend. I am going to have a box in every room, just to fill up with items for goodwill or garage sale. From there, it will just be one room at a time. I'm on a time frame here, because I would love to have a big Christmas get together this year. I always want things to be perfect... but I know I have to be okay with less than perfect.

I'm hoping I get a lot accomplished this weekend...

porch projects

2009-09-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

I should be working indoors. I should be working on my entryway or doing laundry or cleaning. But lately I have been focused on the exterior of my home. I bought this cross at hobby lobby. It is rather large, and was originally priced $9.99. I waited for iron/metal decor to go half off. I needed something for a bare space on my front porch.

It got lost in the sea of brown, so I spray painted it a creamy white. The porch is still a work in progress, so excuse the mess. I bought the two chairs pictured below for $3.98 a piece at the chichiDAV. I have one primed, not sure on the final color. In the far right corner you can see the candelier I bought a while back. I am moving it around and finding a happy place for it. It will get spray painted too...

I bought that piece of a dresser at a garage sale for $3. The lady said she was going to make a cat bed out of it but never got around to it. I think it is a cute little porch table.

You can kinda see the pretty blue. Those glass doors have a tint film on them, which I may have to use amonia to remove. And a razor blade scraper. This is conjuring up bad memories of wall paper removal- which I will be tackling again soon.

I will have to get some better pictures up here soon!

Tomorrow our monthly flea market starts back up again! Charlie and I will be up with the sun looking for treasures. It will be so much fun!

blue, buttons, baubles, and ring boxes

2009-09-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

Front door before:

and After!!!

The blue looks lighter here than it does in person. It is a very pretty blue and I will try and photograph it again this afternoon to see if it does it justice. I found a polystain in walnut at the local Habitat for Humanity ReStore for $2.99. I dipped just the ends of my brush in the stain and then lightly painted it on, applying a bit more in cracks and crevices. I wiped it off with a rag for just a slight stain. I will get better pictures later. These blue doors look pretty on my darkly painted home. Now I just have to figure out how to take the tint off my glass doors. Let me know what you think! Just don't tell me that you liked the glossy red way better. :o)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday my mom and I went on a road trip. She had to drive to a business meeting and I followed her part way. We drove through my hometown, and then on through several small towns, and then finally reached Fort Scott, KS. It is such a cute town! Weekends are the best time to visit, as several antique places were only open on Saturday and Sunday. That didn't stop us though! I have some funny/sentimental stories to share about our trip, but for now I will just tell you bout the treasures!

We stopped at one of the small towns along the way. We sifted through a "treasure chest" that was 75% crapyadon'twant and 25% vintage/antique goodness. This tin was laying on the floor, and I noticed it because it matched this tin. I bent down to pick it up and it was surprisingly heavy...

To my delight, I opened it and discovered it was full of buttons and baubles and jewels! I was thrilled to see that it was under $10! Brooklyn and I will sort these together. (After Charlotte has gone to bed. :o)

I picked a few of my favorites off the top. There are some really great vintage buttons in here, and some I believe are victorian. I'm fairly certain the black fabric button at the bottom is...

Sorting buttons is therapeutic. I plan to use these in all sorts of ways, but I can't wait to make some jewelry with them! One of my favorite blogs to read is the flower patch farmgirl blog. Click here to see her creative way with vintage buttons!

Do you remember when I mentioned vintage ring boxes? I love them to pieces. The two in the background I already had. My mom and I were talking about what things we would like to find on our trip, and I said I would like to find a ring box. I mean, I needed three to be official right?

The first place we stopped in Fort Scott my mom found one. Just one in a quiet place that you wouldn't really notice. The sticker on the bottom said NFS. Flea queens loathe the NFS sign. If it isn't for sale, why put it with a bunch of things that are for sale? The girl saw me looking at it and asked her mom if she would sell it. She obliged, and one song later the little white ring box in front was coming home with me! It has plum colored velvety fabric inside. I'm loving plum this fall...

I got back and went to pick up the girls. I was sharing my delight over my ring box and buttons with my grandma. She made her way back to her room and brought out the black one! It originally held a wedding set! I was surprised that she had one that she and grandpa used. This is a treasure that means a lot to me, and I feel so honored to have it.

I have one more treasure to show you, but she's not ready for her close up yet.

The best treasure of the day was the time with my mom. I love spending days with my mom, laughing and sharing, eating too much, searching for treasures. And boy did we laugh! It looks like we will be making a trip to California next month!

Yesterday was my BFather's birthday. Happy Birthday! I hope there is a big party for you in heaven...

Now there is a baby with a blinky and a blanky laying down by me. It must be time to rockabye.

Caramel Apple Crunch Pie

2009-09-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

I think Fall might be my favorite season. I think Spring is magical too. But there is just something special about Fall. I love scarves and boots. I love pumpkins. I love the changing leaves and fall colored mums. I love the crispness in the air. More than anything, I LOVE FALL FOOD. As soon as the air turns a bit cooler, I am thinking of pies... warm fall pies... with icecream... and hot coffee... on my porch swing... pie is joy that you can eat.

For our girls night, I made my own version of caramel apple crumble pie. It was divine! I thought I would share the recipe with ya'll.

2/3 c. sugar

1/4 c. all-purpose flour

1/2 t. nutmeg

1/2 t. cinnamon

1/8 t. salt

5 Granny Smith apples, cored, peeled, sliced

9-inch pie crust

cinnamon & sugar mixed for sprinkling

Pre-heat oven to 425. Set your store bought pie crust on the counter to bring to room temperature. (I used Pillsbury brand and it was yummy. You can find these crusts in the refrigerated cookie dough section.)

Mix sugar, flour, nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt in large bowl. (A whisk works well for mixing dry ingredients.) Stir in your apples. Mix together until the apples are all coated and look a little gooey. Note: I don't know the official rule on this, but because this pie is baked at 425, I cooked it in a store bought foil pie pan. I have heard that you aren't supposed to bake anything in glass at temperatures higher than 350. I don't know if glass pie dishes are an exception, so to be safe I used the foil pan. You can get two, with plastic travel container for around $3 at the grocery store. Easy travel. One less dish to wash. Unroll your crust over your pie pan/dish. Crimp the edges however you like. Spoon the apple mixture into crust. Top with the crumb topping; sprinkle with cinnamon sugar. (the sprinkling is important. It gives the pie that golden brown glow...the fall glow.) Bake at 425 degrees for 45-50 minutes. At about twenty minutes, I loosely wrapped foil around the edges so they wouldn't burn. And I baked my pie on a cookie sheet. Those foil pans aren't firm, and sometimes the pie will bubble over. PLEASE don't forget the cookie sheet. :o)

crumb topping:

1 c. all-purpose flour 1/2 a stick of butter, chilled

1/2 c. brown sugar, packed

Mix ingredients together until crumbly. And for Julia's sake, USE REAL BUTTER.

Now for the special part...

Buy a jar of caramel/butterscotch topping from the icecream topping section. Put a couple spoon fulls in a piping bag or a ziplock with the corner cut, just a tiny hole. When the pie is warm out of the oven, drizzle the caramel all over in a crazy fashion. This is important.

Serve with warm vanilla icecream.

This pie is so yummy. It is definitely joy you can eat!

Happy Fall!

soccer and recent goodies!

2009-09-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

Brooklyn started soccer this last Saturday. Her school has a little mini-league, and she is on the yellow team. Her being anything but aggressive, I was blown away when she was getting right in there after the ball. The teams are K- 3rd grade, and I was a little worried that maybe she might be intimidated. Not this girl. She held her own. Those boys better watch out.

She seemed to have so much fun, which was the most important part. She doesn't want shin guards. But I think I am going to try and talk into wearing them. Just in case. I am glad that she is starting to be more aggressive and less daisy picker. I love the daisies too. But it is good to see this side of her.

Here she is with her dad. He doesn't always look like this. In fact, I think he changed his smile to this stern face. He's a good dad. Terrible partner. Bless his heart... :o) To his credit, we were just kids when she was born...

Charlie had fun ~~eating~~ playing with sand.

All that soccer made her thirsty. These hello kitty water bottles are in the dollar bin at Target right now and they come with a snack container!

Now, on to my most recent finds:

Look at that millinery!!! I will be plucking these hats. I don't even want to tell you how cheap they were... and the baby bonnet too. Hard backs are 3 for $1.05 at the closest Salvation Army. I love old books. I'm most excited about The Flapper Wife. I have been after a vintage hat stand, but they are always priced so high at my local antique stops. Like, $20- $40. I found this pink one for $6. It will probably find a home in Brooklyn's room.

I have been drawn to any type of vintage container. I especially love vintage ring boxes, but those are hard to find and go for too much on ebay. The Marie Atoinette pearl box was a happy find, although I have no idea what I will keep in it. Maybe loose stones or beads or something. I was excited about the tin with handles. I usually shy away from too much floral goodness, but the subdued colors and cheap price were too good to pass up. You could consider these containers the inspiration for my soon to be office/craft space.

At the monthly flea I found this Jesus print in a large size. I wanted it badly. For $20 I could have had it, but I was out of cash. I had to leave it behind. I thought about it often. When I was on my solo road trip I found this smaller version, and I knew it was meant to be! I don't know what I will do with it yet.

Emily found this silver dresser set for me and the platter underneath! Aren't these lovelies beautiful? I love the patina... and I am a sucker for platters. Especially white platters!

This little lady currently resides in my China Hutch. I don't know much about these girls, except that they are usually priced $40 and up. This one was so inexpensive I couldn't leave her behind. She even had left over pins in her tushion.

My doors are blue, and I have one last step before I can show them. Then I will work on the entryway, and then my creative studio. (Where the hours of photo editing, sewing, jewelry making, etc. will be spent... more on that later!)

I'm off to make some fresh salsa for girls night tonight... and fold laundry... and finish some doors... and sweep and mop... it never ends, does it?

Happy Monday!

solo road trip

2009-09-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

Gas. Country on the radio. Diet Pepsi...

First stop: Blackwell, Oklahoma. There were neat little antique places. I bought a few things. (I will share those soon! :o)

Final Destination: Oklahoma City. I nearly caused a crash when I saw they had a dunkin' donuts! We used to have one in my big town when I was little. My dad would take me and let me pick out any donut I wanted. He always got the fritter, I got the powdered sugar creme filled.

The display still looks the same! It made me so happy to find a dunkin' donuts. I ordered the usual, and an iced coffee with cream and sugar. The donut was better when I was a kid. But the iced coffee... holy smokes it was yummy!

I got a manicure because I could, and all my nails were long at the same time. I then made my way to Bricktown. I ate dinner by myself at this crab place. The waiter was crabby. The food was pretty good. It was a late dinner, but not late enough to be this dead... I'm going to chalk it up to labor day weekend, and not some story about the place having rats or something that I didn't know about...

Being too stingy to spend $100 on a room, I drove back to Guthrie, Oklahoma. I got a clean little hotel room for $50. I laid in bed and watched several episodes of Roseanne on TV land, because I could. I felt happy.

The next morning I had breakfast at Katie's. It was such a good breakfast! If you are ever in Guthrie, eat breakfast here! Their coffee was soooo good.

This place was next to Katie's. Isn't it lovely? I like that 'Blessings' sign. It is for sale...

Downtown Guthrie is so quaint. It is a bit like stepping back in time. There are several Antique places on Oklahoma Ave. I didn't get to look, but I want to go back with my mom anyhow! It was our kind of place...

Don't you just love the turret on this antique store? I must go back to this place...

This is the current project. My front doors. I have two. They both have the lovely amber glass picture below. I can't decide if I like it or not. Many people love red doors. I have wanted blue ones for a long time now. I am going to try a treatment I have never done before... We will see what happens!

Every woman should go on a road trip all by herself at least once in her life. And when she gets home, she should paint her front door(s) any color she likes. Because she can.

on pain and peace

2009-09-07T13:49:00.000-07:00

This has been a strange weekend. I have become so restless, and so Saturday I decided to go on a road trip by myself. I wanted it to be life changing. I wanted to spend time with God. I wanted to be alone and feel free for a while. I suppose I did. But like they say, no matter where you go, there you are.

Recently I have started meeting with three best friends on Monday nights. It has been such a God thing. We really all three need each other and I am feeling so thankful for their friendships. I have been surprised at the way these women have challenged me. I have been thinking differently. I have been asking myself some tough questions. They give me every right to be human and broken, and I do the same for them. But at the same time, they hold up a mirror. That is tough. I have noticed myself describing people as "sick" when they are emotionally unhealthy. One of the girls asked me why I use that word. In doing that, I suppose I take away some of the responsibility they have in getting healthy. Really, it is self-serving. If I can say someone is "sick" than I can believe that they would never choose to hurt me the way they did. It wasn't my fault nor was it theirs, there was some external thing, like a virus you catch, that caused what happened. This is perhaps my number one coping mechanism. This is what allows me to love, and keep the relationships that have been so crucial to me throughout my life. The thing is, it's not working anymore.

When you take away the responsibility that a person has in decisions, or worse, you blame yourself for their choices, you become incapable of true forgiveness. Your heart holds true to the sick theory, your head knows better. Your head gets angry. And angrier. And right below the very calm surface is this tormenting pain. It mostly stays in it's place. Nobody else seems to know it is there, but it becomes impossible to ignore. No amount of pretending does the trick. No geographical change alleviates the pain. You can go on a road trip all by yourself, it will still be there. You can stuff your face, buy a car, clean your house, get promoted, have sex, buy new clothes, contemplate suicide, have an affair, earn a degree, win the lottery, get drunk, get married, leave your wife/husband, get a boob job, get high, go to Europe, loose weight, pop pills, build your dream home, take a bath, and it will not go away. God created us to need Him. And this, I believe, is part of the plan. It is the human sickness that only God can cure. It kills us, if left untreated. It just kills the spirit, and leaves the body- a shell where there once was a vibrant spirit.

The good thing is, as long as we are alive, God can heal. He can, with our willingness, make beauty from ashes, strength from fear, gladness from mourning, peace from despair. The tough part is that it almost always requires sacrifice or change. Give up on the temporary pain relievers that get so many of us by- sex, drugs, pills, spending, status, appearance, money, etc. and cling to a God that requires complete trust and faith, that asks us to live according to His will, study scripture that often doesn't make sense, strive to be what we can't possibly be, and then watch our spirits soar. Watch and they will come alive. Others will be drawn to us. Wait, and before you know it, the pain will subside completely. With enough time, God will have us bubbling over with a joy that only He gives. It will spill out all over the people we see and the lives we touch. God will make us new. He heals. I know it. I am just not feeling it. (head/heart thing again...)

So, deductively, I must ask myself that question. What am I still holding on to? What is filling the space meant for God?

I know what it is. I have been fighting God on this for such a long time. It feels impossible to let go of, because it is a key piece to what I have always believed would make me happy. That's not the way this works. The silly part is, if I could just let go, give it up to God, and let Him work, I know He would bless me beyond what I can imagine. He would take what is and give me so much more. He would make me new in a way that no earthly man could shake. I would be healed from what ails me, and be the best I could be for my girls. And ultimately, I will know a true and lasting peace that wherever I am, there I will be...at peace... in a crowded room or on a road trip all by myself.

letting go

2009-09-02T22:05:00.000-07:00

Something miraculous happens the first time you hold your child in your arms. The whole world seems to come to a standstill. Suddenly the pain of just giving birth dissipates. The people in the room seem to blur and then disappear. There is nothing but you and baby. There is more love than one human spirit can contain. It floods over you and leaves you breathless. You can't hold your baby tight enough, long enough, close enough. You feel the goodness of God.

How quickly they grow. I find myself wishing I could capture entire moments and revisit them later. I wish I could remember more about Brooklyn's baby days. Why do they feel so far away?

I recently chatted on facebook with my high school English teacher. She was a petite little thing, with a big bright smile, a blonde bob, and red lipstick. She wore tapered jeans and finely pressed shirts, and a gigantic diamond on her left hand. There wasn't a kid who didn't like her. She just had this way with us. She knew how to keep those rowdy boys in line, and she made english fun. She gave out a coveted Chivalry award each year, the class voted. I liked that she found a way to make chivalry cool. I actually don't remember much about English. But I remembered three things very well, and tonight I shared them with her.

1. She always smiled. Every day. She made it seem possible that one can be in a good mood each and every day. I remember appreciating her cheerful demeanor, and reminding myself that if I became a teacher, I wanted to be like that. With her, I realized how powerful smiling is.

2. How to give a proper handshake. She taught the whole class the proper way to give a handshake. The way to hold your hand, the firmness of grip, the eye contact, the actual shake, all those details. She said it was an important thing to know, that it would serve us well. She wanted us to be confident. She believed a good interview started with a good handshake. Tonight I told her that I have received so many wimpy handshakes from women, and I just want to teach them right then and there! When you shake someone's hand, you are presenting them with all that you are, be confident for crying out loud!

3. She didn't know how to pump gas. Her husband always filled up her car for her every week. This might have been the most important lesson. I remember being baffled by a grown woman who didn't know how to pump gas, and never had to. Moreover, I was baffled by the idea that a husband would do that. The idea of a man going out of his way and taking care of things for his wife, that was like nothing I had ever seen before. I remember, as the boys were poking fun at her gas pump ignorance, I was quietly telling myself I wanted someone who would do that for me. Even now, I stand hard and true by the idea that any man who wants to marry me must always take care of the cars. I know full well how to change a tire, and the oil. I just don't want to. Inevitably, I have had to take care of car stuff myself. I don't mind pumping my own gas. I would even change my own tire if I needed to. But I know for a fact there are men out there who take good care of their wives cars, and I want one like that. More importantly, there are men out there who take good care of their wives, and that is what I really want.

Our conversation was somewhat coincidental. Her father-in-law had just passed away this evening, in her home. She couldn't sleep. We had a good visit and I could tell I blessed her heart with sharing the lessons she taught me. Her quiet example raised the bar a little higher- for how I present myself, how I encounter and meet people, and the kind of man I choose for my life. She has blessed me too. It's funny what we learn from our teachers.

When we were through talking, I remembered that she never had any children of her own. I felt sad for a moment. Then I realized she has had hundreds of kids. While she may have never had any herself, she has helped raise hundreds. She has poured her love out all over the kids that walk through her classroom door. She taught important lessons when she probably didn't know she was teaching.

With that, I feel a bit better about letting my baby girl out into this world. I feel a bit more optimistic about entrusting her to teachers for the next 13 years. But you better believe that I am going to hang on tight to the memory of the first time I held her in my arms. She will always be my baby.

small changes

2009-08-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

I have been making some changes, and I have to say in less than week I am feeling so much better. First and foremost, I completely banned fast food. Within a short distance of my home, there is an Arbys, Braums, McDonalds, Burger King, Long John Silvers, Wendy's, and a Taco Bell. I may be forgetting one or two. Isn't that ridiculous? I'm a sucker for french fries and Burger King's hershey pie. I have been paying attention to portions. I have been cooking dinners. I have been snacking on fruit. When I was dying to have something sweet, I ate one reeses cup and gave the other to Brooklyn. They are rich and do the trick! I have been parking farther away, and taking long walks with Charlie. Today I walked over three miles, and I really enjoyed it. Charlie just loves riding along in the stroller. She just takes it all in. In the next few days I will be making an effort to drink more water, that isn't something I am very good at.

Tonight I am signing Brooklyn up for girl scouts. I was a brownie for a while, and I loved it. She starts dance class next week and saturday soccer in September. The week starts filling up so quickly. I make sure and really talk to her about the things she is involved in. I want to make sure she really wants to try the activities. We are trying a more serious dance academy, (not a crazy serious) and I look forward to watching her learn. The girl just loves to move, and so does Charlie for that matter!

Our lives are filling up quickly, and I don't mind. I love taking Brooklyn to school every day and being there to pick her up. I love being available so that she can get involved. I love packing her lunch and those extra tight hugs goodbye in the morning. I love spending the day with Charlotte doing simple things like walking, going to the grocery store, picking up the kitchen, snuggling, dancing... these things make me so happy. Being a stay-at-home mom brings me joy.

We are off to pick up my girlie...

big town school, beginning of getting healthy

2009-08-25T08:16:00.000-07:00

Brooklyn loves kindergarten, but we all knew she would. One thing I never thought about was all the one on one time I would have with Charlotte. It is really nice to spend time with just her. She has pretty much always had to share me with Brooklyn, and being with her reminds me a lot of the time I had when it was just Brooklie and I.

I had always thought I would move to a smaller community before Brooklyn started Kindergarten. And in the way that most plans go, I didn't. But for a big town, I am loving her school! It is in a residential area, and you wouldn't even know it was there if you weren't in the neighborhood. It is an old little school, and it just has a special way of greeting you when you walk in the front doors. The classes are small, mostly neighborhood kids. (there are about 30 kindergarten kids total) There is school soccer, t-ball, basketball, skating parties, reading parties, etc. and I am so excited for the ways Brooklyn can get involved. She is signed up for soccer, so I am sure there will be some interesting pictures to post! Our big town school feels a lot like a small town school. I am thankful.

I also planned to lose weight this summer, and ironically I gained weight! I am not feeling very good about it. I am making changes and being realistic about what I need to do. So there might be some weight loss/learning to love exercise/learning to change my relationship with food posts. You girls don't mind, right? Today, I parked a few blocks away and we walked to school. Then I pushed Charlie in the stroller and walked for an hour just throughout the neighborhood. It is such a pretty neighborhood! Next time I will take pictures. I am certain you can always find God on an early morning walk.

I will be journaling my food, in an effort to force myself to practice self-discipline and be more intentional about the way I feed my body. I look forward to creating some healthy recipes to share with y'all. I really do believe that being healthy can be fun. I am setting out to do just that!

(Now, do I dare share my actual weight with you all?)

I have some cleaning to do, so I'm off to put on a pot of coffee! (...while listening to the mix CD my new BFF made for me!)

Kindergarten

2009-08-19T12:55:00.000-07:00

My Dear Baby Girl,

Today was your first day of kindergarten. It took a while to get you out of bed. You wanted oatmeal for breakfast instead of bacon and eggs. You wore a purple shirt. Purple is currently your favorite color. I did your hair and you picked a yellow dragonfly barrette. You were very ready for your first day of school. We special ordered the backpack you picked, complete with your name embroidered on the front. You picked a disney princess lunchbox. Last night I made your lunch: peanut butter and jelly sandwich, cantaloupe from Aunt Martha's garden, dried apricots (you love these), grapes, juice, goldfish and oreos. Austin said it was enough lunch for two days. I wrote you a note on your napkin. I hope somebody reads it for you.

I can't believe how quickly the time has passed. I still remember the day you were born and how wonderful it felt to finally hold you in my arms. You have always been a petite little thing, when you started walking you looked too tiny to be walking. You have, from the beginning, had the brightest smile. Your rich brown eyes have a sparkle, baby. I used to try and put your hair in piggies because I couldn't wait to do your hair. They would be nothing more then little pieces of hair, but you looked so cute! You and I would snuggle every night from the time you were born until you were in your threes. You pretty much slept with me throughout that time. You loved gardening with me, and you really love painting. You love to be in the kitchen with me, and we wear aprons and I always find little jobs you can do. You are a great "stirrer" and microwave button pusher. These are all things I don't want to forget about your first five years. You love being girly, and you love being tough and getting dirty. I can barely keep you and Charlotte out of my make-up and jewelry, and out of the puddles and dirt. You were practically dancing from birth. I took you to dance classes at the YMCA when you were one, and you loved the music. We also took tumble tots, and you were so confident in what you were doing that people would ask what classes you had taken before. You later joined the dance academy at YMCA and then the MGM Studio of Dance. You love to dance, and it seems to come so naturally to you. I hope it stays with you.

Yesterday you got your kindergarten shots. You were AMAZING! You had to get three, and you didn't shed one tear! You just sat on my lap and held my hands. The nurses asked if you were nervous and you just said, "No, I'm happy!" and then followed instructions. You just closed your eyes and then it was over. The nurses were so impressed with you. You were all smiles and they gave you extra stickers. As we left, one of the nurses said, "You have such sweet kids," and she was right.

You are the best big sister. I can tell Charlie misses you today. She, your dad, Austin and I all took you to your first day this morning. We took lots of pictures. Your teacher is Mrs. A and she has a bird in class. You went strait to the bird. You love animals, well, all creatures really. (Ask me about the slugs sometime.) Your classroom has a loft playhouse with a little kitchen and I was wishing I could stay and play with you.

I didn't cry until I left your school. Austin took the morning off and we went to breakfast. He could tell I was having a hard time, and he offered the quiet reassurance I needed. My friends Emily and Melissa called to check on me. I know it will be alright. But I miss you. I am so glad that I stayed home with you as much as I could these first five years. I know that being at school is better for you, you are such a social butterfly and you just light up when you play with friends. You are learning so rapidly right now, I know that school will be challenging and fun for you. I am sad to say goodbye to these baby years. I am sad because I know from here on out, you will just grow on up. I wish I could always be with you, always be there to protect you and comfort you. I know it's time to let go some. Last night as I was tucking you in, I asked if I could just hug you for a while. You hugged me tightly. I started crying. I told you sometimes it's hard for mamas when their babies grow up. You wiped off my tears. You said, "Mom, all kids have to grow up," and then you said, "I just love you so much. You're my best Mama."

Austin said, "You'll always be her baby."

You said, "Yep!"

I asked you, "Will you still snuggle me when you grow up?"

"Of course, Mom!"

"You promise?" I asked...

"I promise! Even when I'm I teenager."

I hope so sunshine. I hope we snuggle for always. I love you so much. I am so very proud of you. You are so special and I love you past the moon. I couldn't possibly love you any more. You and your sister are my everything, and I thank God for you every single day. I can't wait to see what this kindergarten year holds. I know it will be and adventure!

Remember your manners, be nice to everyone, and always say your prayers. And no fart jokes!!!

I love you baby girl.

Mom

Slow Cooker Triberry Cobbler

2009-08-17T12:51:00.001-07:00

Last night was Emily and Brian's engagement party! It was such a good evening, and it made me happy to see her so happy! There was a feast of food, (I am still dreaming about Emily's ham. It was ohmygraciousgood!) and I brought a cobbler as requested by the lovely couple.

Now, there are many variations on cobbler. I went with the old standby, Paula Deen. I modified her recipe a bit, and it was delicious. It didn't take long for it to disappear. The nice thing about this cobbler was that it was a slow cooker cobbler, which makes it ideal for keeping warm and potlucks.

Slow Cooker Triberry Cobbler

Ingredients:

1 - 12 oz pkg. frozen blueberries

1 - 12 oz pkg. frozen raspberries

1 - 12 oz pkg. frozen blackberries

1 c sugar

1/2 c baking mix

Topping:

2 1/4 c baking mix

1/4 c sugar

4 tbsp. butter, melted

1/2 c milk

2 tsp. cinnamon + 1/4 c sugar

***Spray your crockpot generously with nonstick cooking spray. This is important.***

In a large mixing bowl, combine berries, sugar, and baking mix. Stir to coat the berries. (The baking mix acts as the thickening agent.) I used a cup of sugar and the recipe was still a bit tart, which is how I like it. Add more or less sugar to your preferred taste. (I didn't know, so I will just note that baking mix is found near the flour. I used Pioneer Brand buttermilk biscuit and baking mix.

Dump your berry mixture in the crockpot.

Now, in a separate large mixing bowl, combine 2 1/4 c baking mix, 1/4 c sugar, the melted butter (just zap in the microwave for 33 sec.), and the 1/2 c milk. You can stir with a spoon or combine with your hands until you get that lumpy doughy texture. Make sure everything is mixed together but don't over do it. Just drop clumps on top of the berries. Be sure your clumps aren't too thick. (If you have thick balls of dough in some places the topping won't cook evenly and you will wind up with some doughy parts when other parts are done. So just try to make the dropped topping a uniform thickness.) Next combine the 2 tsp. cinnamon and 1/4 c sugar and let your daughter sprinkle it all over the topping. This is an important part.

Cook on high four 3-4 hours.

Serve with your favorite vanilla icecream!

Really, this is a yummy *simple* cobbler and everyone loved it. I even had some recipe requests. Of course I referred them to Paula...

Two more days till Brooklyn starts Kindergarten. I am very very very sad.

Charlotte's room

2009-08-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

Here was Charlie's changing table/dresser before:

and after:

I wanted to take some pictures of her room because a big girl room is just around the corner. And also, I featured her room on the thrifted sisters blog.

That swivel glider/rocker has seen a lot of use. I would encourage any new mom to have one.

Charlotte's nursery is almost completely second hand. I found her pottery barn kids crib with mattress at a garage sale for $100!

This is my favorite part of her room:

The little green sweater belonged to my dad when he was a baby. I think I might take Charlotte's pictures in that little yellow dress from the 1940's.

Brooklyn starts kindergarten on Wednesday. I am sad.

to share or not to share?

2009-08-12T21:31:00.000-07:00

(source unknown)

I have been cleaning all day and doing laundry. I have TONS of clothes bagged for the garage sale. I am mostly getting rid of lots of baby/toddler clothes. It will be so good to be rid of stuff.

Speaking of stuff, I am about due for an incredible find. I haven't found any wow items this summer.

Lately I have been looking out for organizational items- unique containers and wire baskets. I am slowly gathering office organizer type things. Have you noticed how expensive things like this are at target? Its nuts! Like, tooth brush holders and soap dishes. $7.99 for a soap dish? Are you crazy?

So, I am back to an old dilemma. My house has three upstairs bedrooms and two downstairs. The girls and I each have our own rooms upstairs. One of the downstairs rooms is a playroom. The other is pretty shabby and I currently use it for storage. I need an office/creative room. I could put together something downstairs, but it wouldn't be closed off in any way and there would be very little natural light. I could use a smaller room upstairs, but it would mean the girls sharing a bedroom. Brooklyn is all about sharing with Charlotte, and I think it would be just fine. But it seems silly to live in a 5 bedroom home and have the girls share a room. I'm sure it builds character and sister bond... but geesh...

The plan, once I finish with organizing and cleaning upstairs, is to start on projects. Long overdue projects. But what do I do about a creative space?

blessed

2009-08-10T23:43:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been feeling so lucky to have my mom. Our relationship is unique, genuine, and real. In high school I told her the truth about most everything. As a kid she would throw me on a horse to train it. When I got bucked off she would give me a minute and then tell me to get back on. If I didn't want to, she would make me. I may have been scared at the time, but I always felt proud of myself. And I wasn't afraid of much. I remember her telling me many times to be nice to everyone and that I should be a friend to everyone. When I would bring home a report card with all A's and B, I remember she would grill me about my B. She wanted to know why I didn't have an A. I would feel so mad at her, but now I get it. She knew my potential. She was challenging me. I have since learned that number one most powerful thing in parenting is expectations. My mom and I knew how to forgive each other. We knew how to say sorry. We still do.

My mom is my best friend in a way that I don't quite know how to describe. She gets me. And I know so many daughters who can't stand their moms, who would rather live states apart, who hide who they really are from them. I'm just feeling lucky. I like that I feel safe to be me with my mom. I like who she is, apart from just my mom. My mom's support and encouragement have brought me here, to this place I am in today. I am thankful.

Now if it were up to me, I would totally live next door to my mom! Sadly, she will be retiring soon enough to the next state over. I don't know what I will do then...

One of my fondest memories with my mom is when she took me on a trip to New York City. Trips to major cities were nothing new for us, as I had been on several business trips with her. But this trip was different. No work. Just us. And at Christmas time, when NYC becomes something greater than itself. We walked everywhere. We stuck out like sore thumbs, two country girls taking on the big city. The women there were so trendy, so hip. I was much more a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl. And even in that beautiful, grand city, it almost felt like it was just my mom and I. For a few days, New York City belonged to us. We played in the make-up in Sephora. We stood in amazement before the store windows. We ~~fell in love~~ met an Irish boy on a carriage ride through Central Park who made me laugh so much my cheeks hurt. We took our time through the American Girl store and FAO Shwartz and wished that we could bring it all back for Brooklyn and Nicco. We drank hot chocolate on a ferry ride that was almost cold, and plotted to hook the tour guide up with my Grammy. The tree at the plaza wasn't as big as we thought it looked on television. The ice skating rink with its Christmasy skaters was like a dream. Times square was awesome and overwhelming. We saw Phantom of the Opera and it was beautiful. The stores were incredible at Christmas time but we spent hardly any money shopping. We ate great food. We laughed a lot. We stayed up way too late talking. I soaked up as much of my mom as I possibly could. I loved that she was stuck on a plane with me, both on our way and coming home. And when it came time to say goodbye, I cried. I cried and cried. It would be so wonderful to have memories bottled, like on Harry Potter. Just poor them out and relive them again...

My mom and I love New York City, which is kinda funny to me. I mean, what's not to love? But given that we both love trees and grass and country open spaces... I find it funny that when we both fantasize about our next trip we always talk of going back to New York. I'm thinking we will go back- hopefully many times, and with my girls along. New York belongs to my mom and I. It is our city. In New York, we are two in millions. We are swimming in a sea of people with nothing to do except take it all in. I will be forever grateful to New York City.

I am hoping we might get to go this fall. We have been in winter and spring. Oh, can you imagine Central park in fall? We both have some flight credit to use up... And I will have a little bit of money. I would love to treat her to a trip!

(Now this is top secret- but I have been taking notes from blog friends of all the best places to go in NYC from food to shopping to flea markets...)

I am very very lucky indeed. Maybe blessed is more like it.

homesick

2009-08-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

This is the first weekend that I have ever let Austin take Charlotte all weekend. Brooklyn stays with Brandon every other weekend, and I thought I would get a routine going for them both. But Charlie is my baby. And I remember it being hard with Brooklyn. Yesterday, I felt refreshed and renewed... I had coffee with Vanessa and we talked from 9 -1 pm! I completely enjoyed every minute, and I was so glad that I could do it without my kids. It was so nice to shut off mom mode, and just be.

By the evening, I missed Charlotte terribly. I went to a concert of a band that I love to see play. But I felt homesick for Charlotte and I didn't really want to be there. There I was, in my fabulous thrifted dress and cowgirl boots, perfect make-up, curly hair, and in the company of best friends, and I didn't want to be there! What was wrong with me? A night out with girlfriends and I want to go get my baby and go home?

I love being home with my girls. And sometimes it just takes a weekend apart to appreciate it all the more. One of my most favorite things of all, is peeking in their rooms at night and seeing them fast asleep and then crawling into my own soft warm bed... propping up the pillows, reading by my lamp light, with a cold diet pepsi or a hot coffee on my nightstand. The house is quiet. My quilt is perfect. I am alone and I love it. I spend time with God until my eyes get heavy. There isn't anything better than knowing your babies are safe and fast asleep just a few steps down the hall. In the moments of quiet I have snuggled in my bed, I absolutely love that I am not married. I love that time I have alone with God. I love taking up the whole bed while I sleep. But most of all, I love that I am learning to love exactly where I am in my life. (Years ago nights were when I felt the loneliest.)

Now, I have a whole slew of things that it would be great to have a husband for... that's another post.

We have kindergarten shots tomorrow. (And Charlotte is getting some too.) I am not looking forward to it. I have been telling Brooklyn that it hurts, but only for a minute. I told her if she could be brave that we would go pick out a toy. Stinkin kindergarten shots. Yuck!

I can't wait for my girls to come home.

neither here nor there

2009-08-07T21:39:00.000-07:00

This post will be rather random, but you all don't mind right? First off, do I not have the prettiest little girl? She is so beautiful... but I might be a little biased. This picture is fairly old, but she looks so grown up! She is such a perfect mix of her dad and I. She is soft hearted and compassionate and lovey like me. She is comfortable being the center of attention- like her dad. She isn't stubborn like me. She loves animals more than anything else, except her sister. She is equal parts tomboy and girlie girl. She is silly and goofy like Austin- those two are peas in a pod. They went on a date yesterday to dinner and a movie. She left my little lady and came home a raging goof ball, too giggly for sleep. Before her date, she walked up to me (I told her she could pick out her outfit...)

(Brooklyn walks up in a fluttery shirt and too short jeans, with little high heeled sandals. Her eyes have eyeshadow, her lips glossed, and I can smell her perfume before she even enters the room...)

So mom, how do I look?

You look very pretty! (I open my mouth to tell her that she should probably wear different shoes, and wipe off her make-up... she interrupts-)

Mom, Don't ruin it! Okay?

(I smile) Okay. You look perfect!

She says she needs some jewelry, so I fix her up. Austin arrives. He tells her she is beautiful and I can see in her face that she believes him. When she comes home she asks me when she can go on a real date...

Not for a very very very very long time.

When I am a teenager?

Nope.

Aww, come on mama...

Nope.

She laughs at me. I don't even want to think about it! You have read it here before, but I am preparing myself now for my daughters to hate me from years 13-18. I'm okay with it. Chances are, I will let her date when she is a teenager. (At LEAST 16...) But for now, I like Austin dates. He opens all her doors and tells her that on dates boys should always open doors, and use good manners and put their napkins in their laps and pay for things. He lets her order whatever she wants, so her dinner on Thurs. consisted of pancakes and popcorn and soda. I don't mind. I am thankful for Brandon (Brooklyn's dad) and Austin and the roles they play in her life. They both love her to pieces and treat her like a princess. It really is pretty special.

I have decorating on the brain. I didn't accomplish near enough this summer. The above picture is from la madone. I hope you all have found this blog. It is one of my favorites and its as close to Europe as I will get... for a while anyway. Isn't this room lovely?

I think I might name my home, as so many bloggers have. It is very special and deserves a special title. I will have to think on it for a spell.

I am meeting a new friend for coffee in the morning, and I am excited! Her name is Vanessa and I have a feeling we'll have lots to talk about. I am learning more and more, that I need women in my life. Especially women who share my faith. So I have been fishing for friends. Sounds silly, but you just have to put yourself out there! (For some reason I have a hard time establishing intimate relationships with women, which is something I want to change.)

Oh, and I have bangs now. I'm still getting used to them. We'll see...

love and peace

beautiful boys

2009-08-06T21:54:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share a few favorites from my last photo session. Aren't these boys the cutest? I'm a sucker for cheeky smiles of two teeth and hawks on little boys, so these two pretty much melted my heart...

I have been working on my website when I find time. It has been a little crazy lately! Brooklyn is officially enrolled for kindergarten... (tears) I think I have my next semester squared away. I have more bills then I can pay. My car keeps dying on me. My phone works half the time. My house is still messy, but not as messy as it was. My mom and grandma have been helping me chase this silly photography dream, and I am grateful. Money is so tight right now, I can't decide if I want to head full force into a photography business, just having faith that it will provide- or if I want to find a job. Either way, I have to do something. And honestly I am afraid of failing.

And you know, more than this is a "fear" thing, it's a trust thing. Do I jump in fully expecting that God will provide? Do I believe that God really has given me a gift? Do I feel confident that what I have to offer can hang with the overly saturated market I'm in? Nope. The thoughts fall more along these lines:

Why would this work out for me? It seems too good to be true...

What if I am mediocre? What if people see my website and my portfolio and think its"okay"?

What if people think my prices are too high? or too low to take me seriously?

What if I have invested all this money for nothing?

and then there is that much more quiet voice that politely waits its turn...

What if you are great?

What if you get to do something you love for a living?

What if your work makes a difference?

What if you get to travel and take pictures?

What if this is the beginning of a dream come true?

So I pray. Alright God... is this back to the trust thing?

I did not create you to have a spirit of fear...

All things are possible through Christ who strengthens you...

The plans I have for you are for good...

Be still, Child, and know that I am God...

Trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...

Have I not always provided for you?

Love me, believe in me, TRUST me...

Thank goodness His voice is the loudest!

There are so many exciting things I can't wait to share with you all...

beautiful day

2009-08-01T13:38:00.000-07:00

This morning we headed to market.

Where we bought a Kansas grown peach...

and made friends with Lady...

and a baby bunny that was surely worth more than $10!

We also took time to smell the flowers...

and dance to music.

and admire jewelry...

and a pretty orange bicycle...

and a beautiful statue.

We bought treats for Winston.

And fell on the brick road, left with a goose egg and no choice but to eat the peach.

Kansas grown peaches are magical, I should tell you.

We stopped in at Nanny's Niche. Oh the goodness we found...

We decided to wait for the Q, and I noticed Brooklyn's shoes were on the wrong feet...

and Charlie's were too small.

There's our ride!!!

The best view of downtown Wichita is from a trolley.

We waved at our home away from home... The Value Center!

(where that pretty little linen dress with purple roses came from...$2.98!)

We stopped by my favorite Saturday shopping spot. Klassic Line Vintage...

I fell in love with the dress in the window. And it was my size. And the perfect shade of green.

And $69.

I was sad to leave it there, but there are little shoes to be bought... and diapers and such.

Vintage hats make me happy.

Vintage jewels make me happy too.

Turn-of-the-century dresses make me happier still.

(I really need that blue one. They do have lay-away. :o)

Surely there must be a place like this in heaven...

and warm peach cobbler with icecream. There must be cobbler parfaits in heaven.

Today, I went looking for joy and I found it.

And it doesn't get much better than this.

binkies and backpacks

2009-07-25T12:10:00.000-07:00

Charlotte has been hiding binkies. I have been trying to "taper her off" the binky by only giving it to her at bedtime. But this little stinker is smart. When she wakes up, but before she lets me know she is awake, she launches the binky or drops it behind her bed. Pretty soon I here her. "Mama.... mama..." I go in to get her. There is no binky in the bed. I change her pants and put her down to play. An hour later she will be walking around with a bink in her mouth. She remembers where she hides them! I almost feel like she should get to keep it for being so clever, but I have been putting her down without the bink.

I have started selling stuff on ebay to support my junking habit. Actually, it is more to get rid of stuff. I never got to have the garage sale, but I will have one this season!

Brooklyn is more than ready for school. I have been accumulating her school supplies over the last month, so it isn't such a big chunk of change at once. Her new school clothes are hanging neatly in her closet. We splurged a little and ordered this back pack from pottery barn kids:

Kindergarten is a big deal, you know. I am not ready for her to go. I will think of her all day long and miss her and wonder if she is using her manners or talking when she shouldn't be. (I always got in trouble for this, I fully expect she will too.) Will she make quick friends? Will she eat like a bird at lunch?

I am headed back to school too. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I know I have to keep plugging along, but the finish line feels so far away. Speaking of finish line, I am thinking about running again. I used to love running. With every pound of my foot on the pavement I seemed to figure something out. Its just making the time...

I have so much to do. I need some coffee...

Baby Beckett

2009-07-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

I recently took my nephew's newborn pictures! Isn't he so pretty? I couldn't get enough of him! I think this is my favorite shot, so I just thought I would share.

Okay, a few more, because I just can't help it!

Happy Wednesday!!!

Brooklyn's room :: part 1

2009-07-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share a few corners of Brooklyn's room. This room is always changing...

It's fun to see all the bargains I have found for her room over the years.

This dresser was $39.99 at the chichi DAV and in the perfect color.

She loves her pink cowgirl boots.

This vanity was $10 at a thrift store. Primer and paint are miracle workers. I found a vintage pillow sham to recover the vanity stool, which I thrifted for $7.

I had been on the look out for a vintage tutu or dance costume. If you have been around Brooklyn for ten minutes, you have seen her dance. When I found this one in her favorite purple, (and for $10!) I knew it was meant to be...

I love it when I find twin size vintage sheets in great condition. We are hard on sheets at our house, and it seems like I am washing bedding every other day. These sheets were $2-$3 each, and they are so super soft.

best friends

2009-07-19T11:07:00.000-07:00

I am going to make a better effort of blogging our lives here. Partly because I want to share with the friends and family who read my blog, and partly because it is like a scrapbook of sorts. I think the best part of this summer for Brooklyn was a visit from her Uncle Super Nicco. (He prefers to be called Super Nicco.) Grandma took us to Exploration Place, then out for ice cream, and then to the park! It was so much fun!

Nicco loves dinosaurs. He knew all the names of these guys. Charlotte was mesmerized. She just stared in either amazement or fear, I can't be sure.

Here they are in the 'tornado'. Despite the look on Nicco's face, they were not scared and were indeed screaming loudly in the funnel tunnel.

She stood there for quite a while. No expression. No movement. Just staring. We called after her to get her to follow us. Nope. She wasn't budging. I went after her and we made our way to the castle...

Giddy up!

I loved the Vet station there. Of all the cool stuff, I think they played here the longest. I love watching kids pretend play at grown up roles. I love how they talk and try and mimic what they see us doing. They do pay attention! Brooklyn was listening for the "heart beep."

We sure do miss Nicco. Maybe we could squeeze in one more visit before school starts? Brooklyn and Nicco are best friends. They will both tell you so. And they both act so sad when their visits are over. He is a pretty awesome little brother if I do say so myself.

values

2009-07-10T21:29:00.000-07:00

I was recently inspired to define my values. It seems like we should all have a good grasp on what our values are. I mean, if we can't be certain of what we value, what is it that we stand for anyway? Sure, I love God. I love my daughters. I value family and home and so many other things. But I have to admit, trying to put pen to paper was not easy. I started a list. (surprise surprise)

Decision making is supposed to be made easier once you define your values. I could definitely benefit from anything that helps in decision making. I found that specifying my values helped. But it also shifted the focus a little bit. I have been weighing everything against this list. I want to move towards a life that supports my values, that reflects what I believe, that creates change. Honestly, I have felt a bit stagnant... complacent.

If I had a dollar for every time I have said, "I just don't know what the right thing to do is," then I might be one rich girl. I am so motivated by "doing the right thing" and half the time I have no clue what that means. I weigh things against my faith. I weigh things against scripture. I weigh things against my values. I weigh things against what seems to be best for my daughters. Nothing is clear. Nothing is cut and dry.

I have been practicing asking myself, "What do I want?" It feels selfish. Sometimes what I want feels wrong. Sometimes I wish I could throw my hands up and say I am what I am. I can't be the perfect mom. I can't get married when I have no clue what that is supposed to look like. I can't squeeze myself into the box that never fit me to begin with. I can't pretend a new reality. I can't wear a size six anymore. I can't act like things don't hurt when inside they are eating me alive. I can't provide solid evidence of God. I can't change what has been done. I can't feel guilty for everything all the time. I can't worry myself sick with what may be while life passes by. I can't change who I am according to his needs. I can't stop adhering to my values, for they will be all that is left of me when I am gone.

In the last few years, I have been taken to parts of the world that I would rather not know. I have experienced things I would have never wanted to experience. I have felt pain in a way that I never had before. I have become helpless before God, fighting for those that I love with prayer. I have made some really poor choices and I have done everything I could to keep from looking at the truth. There is no running from the truth. You can pretend your whole life long, but it finds you. It won't let you be. Maybe that is the curse of loving God. He won't let you follow down that road. He won't let you get comfortable in false sense of love. He won't let you walk down that isle. He won't let you lose yourself in the world and its trickery. He won't let you get too far away that you can't hear Him call you back. He won't leave or forsake you when you almost rather be left or forsaken. God doesn't work like that, so I am learning.

Trust. Yuck. I wouldn't know where to begin. How do I trust? How do I ever begin to experience God's love and trust it, when every person I have ever loved has abandoned me? betrayed me? broken my spirit? I have been looking for certainty in an uncertain world. And when I couldn't find it, I went about creating it. Every day, I would tell myself I had it. I wore rings that represented it. I smiled at the family functions so they could see I had it. I went to school because that was like insurance for it. I dressed my daughters the part. The irony? The only certain thing about either of their lives: ME. That's it. I have been the only constant. I have been looking everywhere for just something, anything, that I can count on no matter what. And all the while my daughters have been looking to me...

You know what? It is about time that I recognized that I will never find what I am looking for in this world. I might catch glimpses of it- maybe in my daughters' eyes, or on my wedding day. I am tired of searching in all the wrong places. My efforts have been fruitless and exhausting. That's the other thing, God will let you chase it til you have no choice but to come back to Him.

I have my faith. My values. My daughters. My God. Besides that, nothing is certain. But I have a feeling that these are all I need. I have a feeling that if I start chasing after these things, life will get a little easier. It will make a little more sense. Life will be completely uncertain, but trust will be enough.

I should be cleaning.

2009-07-06T12:24:00.001-07:00

I should be cleaning. The girls are with grandma and grandpa. I should be cleaning...

but instead I have been catching up with all the lovely blogs I love. I think I can pull away now. Because it is most necessary...

So much to do...

I hope you all are having a lovely Monday.

exciting new ventures

2009-07-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

I thought I would finally share. The logo above isn't set in stone... but I created all by myself! I am still working on the website, and I will post when it becomes official.

The other big thing that has been keeping me busy: http://thriftedsisters.wordpress.com

If you have the chance, stop on by!

love,

kali

some june finds

2009-07-01T21:43:00.000-07:00

Here are my most recent finds.

big blue basket for my gardening gear

iron candle holder thingy, which i have several ideas for.

a "candlelier" which i will paint and hang from a tree for our outside meals.

i am slowly acquiring some vintage hangers for a display. stay tuned...

and of course the vintage bird prints had to come home with me!

This should be a great thrifting weekend, with plenty of July 4th discounts!

Happy Thrifting!

Thrifting Manifesto

2009-06-29T21:24:00.000-07:00

I have a surprise for you. (All five of you who stop by. :o)

It won't be long now, and I will share. But before I can share, I have a couple of tasks to complete. I thought I would start here, where thoughts seem to flow easier and make a little more sense in typed form.

Task #1 : Why do I thrift? a sort of personal thrifting manifesto

Why do I thrift?

I thrift because it makes sense. I have lived on my own since I was sixteen, and there have been periods of my life when I couldn't really afford anything unless it was second hand. My mom taught me to see potential and possibility in what others might disregard. I remember my mom telling the story of her first home, using crates as side tables and covering them with pretty cloth and doilies. I remember her stories of making $25 in grocery money last a week for a family of four. My mom is a thrifty woman. She sewed almost all of my brothers' clothes during their childhood, and mine through my baby years. My mom eventually made her way through her masters degree. Although life became much more comfortable she never became superficial or materialistic. She did, however, start spending her weekends at auctions. The treasures she would bring home were incredible! As a teenager I didn't fully appreciate old things. But it wasn't long before I started falling in love. By 20 I was a thrift store/flea market/antique mall regular.

I thrift because, as they say, "They don't make things like they used to." Everything from old furniture, hand made of real wood to dishes that have survived decades- the stuff in today's stores just doesn't compare. When I find vintage or antique items I feel more connected to history and the women who lived before me.

I thrift because it is an affordable way to make my home more beautiful. It may require taking on some projects, but I really enjoy those too.

I thrift because I love the hunt. It brings my heart joy to find those special treasures for a song! It makes me especially happy when I find items that I know ~~Emily and Melissa~~ others will love.

I come from a long line of women who had to be thrifty. I thrift because, like my mother, I want to teach my daughters that things are just things. They are lovely to have. But our things (or their brand/price tag) don't define us. It can all be taken away in an instant. Now when I bring my girlies with me I give my oldest girlie $1-$5 to spend any way she likes. She finds all sorts of neat things! I thrift because I want to teach my daughters to be thrifty, to find their own style, to see beauty with history, to be creative, to value money, to be different.

Why do I thrift? Well... Why not?

happy sunday

2009-06-28T15:19:00.000-07:00

I found this picture online (designed life blog) and it reminded me of the dresser you can see here. If you look closely you can see it in the corner of my garage. I have a bedroom suite, which I believe is from the 1940's. It belonged to my grandparents, then my mom, then it was in my room when I was a little girl, and now I would like to use it Brooklyn's room. It has a beautiful matching vanity, head board/foot board with rails. It has been refinished once over the years, but it needs to be painted. (too many chips, scratches, and dings) White would be the safe route, but I love this color... of course I would like the color to grow with her... decisions decisions...

My acre is waiting to be pushed mowed. I am up to my ears in laundry. Can you believe it is nearly July already?

decorating on the brain

2009-06-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

Hopefully you have all found Layla at The Lettered Cottage. Layla is a very talented designer, and I always look forward to her blog posts. For a long time, I have wanted to use a screen door, indoors. I am trying to decide if I want to use a screen door to the laundry room or if I want one for my master bathroom. My master bath is teeny tiny, and it will be so cute when I am done with it! I like how Layla used hers:

I would like a pretty colored vintage one. I like this green. I like those little spindles. (flickr)
I really like this one, with the birdies. It is definitely unique. I may have to recruit the help of a certain brother...
Some other decorating ideas I have streaming through my head right now:

-a slightly yellow laundry room with bright white cabinetry. shiny nickel pulls. organizational baskets.

-still want blue front doors. i have two. shall i paint the porch swing to match?

-kitchen = tons of painting. Some inspirational photos:

can't get enough of this chippy goodness... i have a spot waiting for a large chippy cupboard...
i like the clean lines, the soft colors, the lighting, very organic ^
i just love white, and that's all there is to it. i covet that butcher block. seriously.
this picture is of Cottage Bethy's kitchen. I love her fridge, her sink, her colors.

- transition Charlie's nursery to a big girl room? light blue and apricot...

- burlap. i need some burlap in my life.

- i need the sewing queen (mom) to help me with some slipcovers for my sofas.

garage sale, garage sale, garage sale, garage sale, garage sale, garage sale!

okay. back to work.

treasures come, treasures (hopefully) go

2009-06-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

This vintage high chair is one of my most recent thrifting finds. It is in great condition and cost only $6.98!

This is how I spent my day:

And I took this picture half way through the cleaning! I still have a little left to do, but I accomplished a lot. After one of the best showers I have ever taken in my life (it was 102 degrees out today!) I. am. exhausted.

If I make enough money at my garage sale, I would like to buy this for the family room down stairs:

It is only $229 at Ikea! It would mean a road trip, and some self-assembly. But I really need a space for my flat screen and spaces for books. Speaking of down stairs- I found these photos online somewhere. (I have got to start keeping track to give photo credit... sorry.) I thought this playroom was super cute, and the green walls aren't too far from the apple green color I painted our play room. I have got to finish the playroom...

This is funny, but I already have: two cottage bookshelves I have started to paint white, the same potterybarn kids easel pictured above (it was deeply discounted around Christmas), a little white table with two chairs, several colorful picture frames, a vintage dolly high chair, a banner, and some vintage looking artwork I may or may not use...

last I saw, there were a couple of little green chairs at one of my favorite stops. Do I need four? okay... I know... focus focus focus: garage sale!!!!

girlies part 2

2009-06-19T15:57:00.000-07:00

Alright, I had to share a few more! These girls are just too cute.

I really like this one even though you can't see her face. It just looks like innocence...

She just turned one, so we had to get her picture in the birthday girl shirt and matching bow. I like how you can see her two little bottom teeth in this one:

"What are you doing with that big black thing?" she said while suspiciously looking at me from the corner of her eyes...

anything for strawberries!!!

2009-06-17T01:03:00.000-07:00

So here is a sneak peek of those girlies I was telling you about. Aren't they ADORABLE? Big sister took to the camera right away, this girl was telling me how she wanted her picture taken! You have to admire a lady who knows exactly what she wants! Both of these girls have beautiful blue eyes...

Look at that bow! And these outfits! Just too cute!!

Okay, that is all for now. I will try to share some more of these sweet girlies tomorrow. I am having too much fun editing these pictures!

(Eventually, big sister was over pictures. All grandma would have to say is "strawberries!" - I think bribery is brilliant when it comes to two and three year olds, and I have one potty trained kid to prove it!)

wonderment

2009-06-15T22:20:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I am photographing one of my biggest cheerleaders, and her grand babies. I am very excited and a little nervous, but not as nervous as I have been in the past. I love photographing kids. Pictures of kids can't help but be beautiful. This picture of Brooklyn resembles something more to me, although I can't quite peg it. This isn't even one of my favorite pictures of her. But the way she looked out at that pond in wonderment... that is a little like I am feeling right now.

What's out there for me? What will I experience? Will it be scary or fun or both? Will this endeavor leave me speechless, blessed beyond imagination? Or will I fail?

Being the "grown up" I knew that pond was small. I knew someday I would take her to oceans that would make that pond look like a puddle. But for her, in that moment, that pond was gigantic. It held sounds and smells and creatures she had never quite experienced before. It was waiting for her, full of lots of little discoveries that would make her heart sing... baby frogs... baby turtles... (oh yes, we caught both) bugs that could swim and funny plants and rocks to skip... the loud bellow of a bullfrog. At three, all of these things are brand new. They are exciting. They are scary. At twenty something, they are pieces of every summer you have ever had, every fishing trip, every creek down the dirt road. At twenty something, you know exactly how to catch a frog, a baby turtle, even a bullfrog. You know what the plants are called. You know how to skip rocks. You have probably done it hundreds of times before, if you were raised in the boonies like me.

I have lots of discoveries to make. There are so many things I know I have yet to experience, that are just around the bend. I feel like I am looking out in wonderment, at something brand new and unfamiliar. Just like a three year old finally convinced to hold that squirmy baby turtle, I have finally decided to take some of my very own risks. The turtle wiggled and its tiny claws scared her half to death. But as soon as she was done being frightened, she giggled and picked it back up... knowing it wasn't nearly as scary as she had thought. (Okay, I admit, I made her hold the turtle. My mom/brothers made me hold creatures. And now she loves them all and doesn't understand that we can't keep them inside, or that they can't stay in pockets all day long... most recently I found her playing in the dirt and holding a SLUG. Yes. It was yucky.) I know that everything that feels scary and unfamiliar will one day be just a small pond. It will be old hat. Maybe I will be lucky enough to help the next girl along.

There should be an adjective for being equal parts excited and scared. Because that is where I am right now. Maybe I will make one up. There are lots of little details to sort out right now: photography forms, website colors, session pricing, logo design, etc.. They can become a bit overwhelming and I feel like I need to have post-its stuck all over me so I won't forget. It sure is nice to know you are all there, caring and cheering me on, believing. It sure is nice to stop for a moment and enjoy exactly where I am at.

My friend Patti has been encouraging me for years to go with photography. "It's your gift," she would say. So taking pictures of her and girlies will be nothing short of extra special. Wish me luck!

its official!

2009-06-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, June 11, I officially became incorporated. I now, at least a little bit, have my own photography business. Which means I did, with the help of mom, Emily, Krysta and Austin, decide on a business name. I can't share it with you just yet. Soon, friends.

I have also purchased an *official* website. (and it was on sale! in perfect kali fashion) I have selected a designer for my *official* blog. Which brings me to my next question...

Do you have to remain very surface level when your blog coincides with your business?

My dad would say so. So would my mom, the president and C.E.O. of a successful medical practice. I am sure Emily, who owned a most fabulous business, would agree. Alright, alright. I get it. But I might just dip my toe in the deep water every now and again, because facades are exhausting... as I have mentioned before. Maybe I will devise a top secret blog, anonymous and real...

Starting a business, even a teeny tiny small business from home, ALWAYS costs more than you think it will. And when you are broke to begin with, well, it takes a series of small miracles. So to my ~~mom~~ private investor: Thank you just isn't enough. Sometimes just believing in someone and putting your faith into action makes all the difference. It becomes contagious. You make me believe I can do anything. You have taught me to dream big again. I am completely overwhelmed by your generosity and I don't even know how to begin to show appreciation. I think of all the ways you give, not just to your children, but all your anonymous donations that you keep quiet about, and I see an extraordinary example of "blessed to be a blessing." It will come back to you tenfold, I believe. Are you surprised that God gave you your most recent gift, at such a low price? Ride with your hair down, for me. Go fast and remember.

I knew, in starting my business, that one of my first priorities was going to be finding ways to give back. I am as excited about this as I am about the business itself! I have been praying about this for a long time. I am going to give 25% of every session fee to a place it can make a difference. I am prayerfully selecting 3-5 options for my clients to choose from. I am certain about two of the options already.

The Wichita YWCA Women's Shelter

And I am so excited to share with you:

A scholarship fund for single mothers, created in honor of my mom.

I would like to support a faith based organization, as well possibly a missions outreach. I am going to have do some research, and I would like to contribute locally. I am open to any suggestions by you fellow bloggers out there!

I am asking for prayer. Please pray. I can't do this on my own.

poor seedlings

2009-06-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of those days. The day was packed with self-realization. Austin planned an afternoon for us- no kiddos, just hanging out. We ate lunch at one of our favorites. We drove to the country. We stopped at a feed store, because feed stores make me happy. Walking in, that whiff of sweet feed... takes me back to my small town days, ripping the string on the bag of feed and filling the folgers can. (I always managed to sneak my horse an extra can... or two.) I made him look at saddles and plants and horse brushes and a stuffed turkey, among other things. He bought me a plant and some seeds. Afterwards, we went to a brand new goodwill. We went to meetings. We had dinner at his folk's and brought the girlies home. Realizing I had left my seedlings outside (in an effort to "harden them off") I started to worry. A big Kansas storm, complete with golf ball size hail, had come through town. He sensed my worry. He placed his hand on my leg, and said, "If your plants don't make it, I will take you to fill a flat with new ones, okay?" He tried to be optimistic, pointing to the clouds in our direction, "see, it doesn't look so bad over our way," and "maybe we didn't get hit so hard." I thought about farmers. I thought about how they rely on nature for so much of their livelihood. Here I was, fretting. It could be so much worse. Then I thought about the seeds we sew. And how we spend time and effort and energy with high hopes for our seeds. What seeds am I sewing in life? What will I reap from those seeds?

Yesterday, I shared with friends how God won't let me be comfortable. How I should have so much joy at a time like this. How my life is better than it has ever been, and how my girls add such richness- but I am not full of joy. I am not comfortable. I am not at peace with myself. I did something that was long over due. I said sorry. I admitted some things about myself. I shared this internal struggle. I said sorry to the people I love most, for all kinds of things that I sincerely felt sorry about. I prayed. I think I know what I am dealing with now:

complacency.

I have a plan of action. I need to get more sleep. I need to wake up early and spend time with God. I need to exercise daily. I need to take care of myself. I need to MOVE toward goals. I need to remember to say sorry. I need to be intentional about the way I live my life. I am most definitely a work-in-progress. I wish I could say I woke up this morning a whole new woman. That just isn't the case. But I am more aware, and I can do something with that.

Some of my seedlings didn't make it. Others are hanging on with every ounce of chlorophyll they have. Nature had its own plans for "hardening off" and in some ways that feels like the stage I am in. God is toughening me up for the future. He knows the conditions ahead of me, and He won't let me venture out unprepared. Sometimes it is impossible to be comfortable in our current state. Seedlings can't produce in their little greenhouse trays, the too small spaces will kill them. They can't be thrown out in the scorching sun either. It would be too harsh for survival. To everything there is a season, a time and purpose for everything under heaven...

God makes all things beautiful in their time.

Okay, I am hanging on too, that someday I might bear fruit of the spiritual kind.

roses on my mind...

2009-06-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

I should have cleaned today. I should have stayed up, caught up on laundry, organized my messes. I went thrifting instead. I will have to post a picture later. But here is a list of my finds:

- a lampshade for the lamp in this post

- two vintage padded hangers, one peach and one with a floral print

- a bag of vintage/antique buttons

(I have recently learned about Victorian buttons through a woman who makes jewelry

from them. She is a member of a major button society, but I can't recall the name. :o)

- a vintage purse that looks as though it is made from a rug?

- of course a few toys for the girls. Their toy account is supposed to be frozen, but I am such a sucker...

Nothing to sing about, but it was a fun day. I "potted up" my zucchini, yellow squash and cucumbers, as they were outgrowing their little cubicles. I also managed to plant two more shrubs in the front bed. And sadly, that is about as far as my productivity went. Lord help me.

The girls are in bed. I have a cold diet pepsi. One raised bed is built, one more to go. I really want a rose plant, and I am considering the two types pictured above. I have irises to transplant, compost to buy, and a house to clean. This gardening business is serious stuff.

Hope you all had a lovely Saturday.

thursday finds

2009-06-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

I enjoy visiting other blogs, and seeing pictures of all the awesomeness ladies find at garage sales. For some reason, this garage sale season S.T.I.N.K.S. in my area. I have had very little luck. My neighborhood garage sales started today- and guess how many items I found? zero. It wasn't worth the gas. I ran into one thrift sister at a garage sale (that's when you know its bad, you live in a city of half a million people, and you bump into one another at a garage sale :o) and another thrift sister informed me that the treasure chest had everything half off. We made our way there, and I bought the vintage dolly in a carrying case for Brooklyn, the barbie case (which has cute little compartments inside, I think I might be a compartment junkie), the wedlock book in box from 1880, and the dresser set. I paid less then $2 for each item! The lady working there told me about a church sale, and off we went. It was tons of... qvc mixed with dollar tree... but I did manage to find the old doll bed with vintage ticking pillow. Oh my gracious, I forgot a couple things... one sec...

I don't know what it is with all this pink lately! I promise, my eye is usually scanning for neutrals- chippiness, rust, white, blues. I also found the little pitcher and the serving set at the church sale. My total for the doll bed, teeny tiny pitcher (its like 4 inches tall) and kid's cups/pitcher : $2.35.

The little pink wallet/coin purse was perfect for Brooklyn (only ten cents to boot) and I found the vintage cookbooks at a garage sale ($2). I'm pretty excited about Mastering the Art of French Cooking, as lately I have been drawn to more and more... french things. French decor, french homes, french cooking, french blogs. I think I have started another accidental collection: vintage cookbooks.

I am home alone, and it is lovely. I'm debating between going to Barnes and Noble, or building my beds. Maybe both?

Wishing you blue skies and the most incredible garage sale finds,

Kali

a few treasures during a drought

2009-06-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

***pardon the picture quality. i snapped these hurriedly, and then decided to play around in photoshop.***

This is Rose. The poor thing, she needs to have some work done. I am going to see if I can maybe somehow paper machet (spelling?) her some new... um... booboos. (as my girls call them.) I had an hour at local monthly flea. I have been on the look out for an old dress form. I saw another one, very old and in great condition. Of course, it was sold. (And I came ready to spend too, I had won $100 in a poker tournament the night before!) To pour salt on the wound, I asked the lady how much she sold for... $75. It was a sad moment in my flea queen history. These ladies sell for over $200 on ebay right now. I am not usually one to follow what's popular, but I just wanted one so badly! My hour was almost up. I was walking towards the exit, when I spotted Rose. I walked up, feeling very sorry for her. Nobody wanted her. It didn't take long to notice she was damaged beyond repair. How is it they find me, the damaged beyond repair lovelies? Her price tag said $18. I wasn't quite sold. But I was definitely feeling sorry for her. The guy came up and asked if I liked her. I replied, "Well, the poor thing..." to which he asked, "Do you have a good home for her?"

"Sure."

"How 'bout $10?"

Feeling even more sorry for her, "Alright."

So Rose came home with me. And I am going to try and help her out some. But she has lived a rough life, her beauty and charms have faded...

I first eyed this lamp quite awhile ago. It was in a booth at Paramount Antique Mall (definitely the best antique mall in Wichita) and it belonged to a woman who used to live in my neighborhood. When Brooklyn was brand new, and I couldn't afford to spend more then $2 on extras, I happened across her garage sale. She let me peruse the Wednesday night before. I found an old baby dress. She asked if I liked them, I said, "Yes, but most of the time when I see them they are like $12 and I can't afford that." Hers was marked $1, so I was paying her a compliment, not fishing for freebies. She told me to come back the next day, that she had a whole bunch of them. I came back, and she gave me a grocery bag full of antique/vintage baby clothes. Such a nice woman. She had a pair of these little boudoir lamps, with shades that look to be pre-1940's. I couldn't pay her price for one, definitely not two. But her booth happened to be an additional 30% off. It was meant to be...

(I am going to probably put the shade on a different base.)

I found this chenille blanket at the chichi DAV for $8.98. (My thrift sisters and I call it that because it is just mostly overpriced.) It does have some discoloration, but it is very soft and looks to be a king size. Right now it is keeping me warm at the computer, in the future I might use it for a sewing project... baby blankets, pillows...
I found this little rocking dolly bassinet at Paramount. I loved the blush color, and I have been wanting a wicker baby bed for decorating the girls' rooms. I usually see these priced $30-$50 (apparently I am not the only one who thinks these are too cute) but this one was marked $15. And it sways. And it is that soft blush color. And I remembered this cute little baby I found some time ago at the chichi DAV. (she too, was $8.98) She needed a bed. And three women commented on how cute it was as I carried it through the store. Okay. I'm sold.

In other news, my mom and I made a trip to Lowes today. I bought supplies to make my raised garden bed! I also purchased a composter container thingy. I am not sure what they are called. I am super excited about it! I also purchased an organic gardening magazine with great tips, which I will be sure to share here. I told Brooklyn that we were going green around here. She replied, "But mom, I don't want to go green!"

"Why not?"

"Because I want to go purple!"

Ahhhh, never a dull moment at our house. :o)