Beautiful Mess

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her."

-unknown

I found this quote from Erin's blog: rare and beautiful treasures. I think I may have seen this before, or one similar. But when I read it at her blog it hit me hard. It nearly brings me to tears. I want my heart to be that lost in God. It just isn't. I love God fiercely. But I'm not here yet.

I have felt so out-of-sorts, I don't think I know where to start falling more in love with God. I can be so spiritually ignorant/dumb at times. I think though, that it starts with little every day decisions. Don't say that. Don't make that choice. Go here rather than there. Pray about this instead of getting angry. Be still. Move. Listen. Dance. Delight. I am craving closeness with my Creator. I am longing to dance with Him. I miss the intimacy that came with being an innocent little girl. Somehow, we grow up and sin and become pulled in all these other directions- and suddenly I can't remember the last time I prayed, or read my Bible. What should be first priority becomes last. And then I wonder why it starts to feel like I am sludging along through life...

I want my life to be God-filled and adventurous. I want to live the dreams that God has for my life. I want to chase the Holy Spirit all day long. I want to be bold in my faith. I want to feel alive and fearless and audacious and strong. I want my life to reflect what I believe. If I walked through life, seeking God first, chasing after Him, delighting with all my heart and soul and mind, where might God take me? If I were brave enough to put God first, what would become of my life? Who would I meet? Where would I go? Who's hands would I hold or mouths would I feed? To what depths would I carry the light? If I became fearless and completely jumped, free falling, arms wide open, never once doubting, would my life with God become more amazing than I could have ever imagined? One day, would a man as bold, fearless, and in love with God walk along with me? Could I be the kind of woman that could only be found by seeking God?

Something is changing inside of me. Maybe God is tired of waiting on me and is prompting my spirit. All of sudden, I don't care about all the little trivial things that I have been hanging on to. I don't care about my past. I've lost interest in beating myself up. Guilt is no longer welcome here. What has been so important to me, isn't so much anymore. My eyes are fixed in a different place, a brighter place, and while they aren't quite focused- it is getting clearer.

Thank goodness that no matter how far away we stray, or how lost we get in this world or the people in it, we can always come back to Him. We can always fall in love again.