among the wildflowers

After week 1: - 4 pounds!! I am not following any plan exclusively... only trying to make good choices every day. I think I may step up the work outs. 

My mom has a theory, you've heard it before. What you put out into the universe comes back to you... the universe responds to you based on what you emit into the atmosphere...

I think she is right.

After a little over one week of making an effort to take better care of myself, it seemed like the universe was responding to my efforts. Someone compliments my hair. A random boy stops me in the parking lot to tell me how beautiful I am and insists that I give him my number. The girls say, "Mama, you're so pretty," as I get ready. A couple girlfriends tell me how great I look... that I look "hot"- I smile more and people smile more back at me. I have been asked out three times in the last week. I swear, they are coming out of the woodwork. Don't get me wrong, this isn't what I am after. Its more like a symptom of trying to put your best self out into the universe.

Dare I say, I am slowly but surely getting my sparkle back?

Here is the deal, the irony of it all... when you start taking better care of yourself, you find that everything you need is intrinsic. Everything that makes me beautiful comes from within me. Everything I need to become my best, I already have living inside my spirit. I have a completeness that I don't think I have ever felt before. My relationship with God has evolved to a new and more lovely place I have never been. God is enough. I can think of hundreds of days I longed for some type of affirmation from people in my world. I needed it. I needed others to define me because I had no idea how to define myself.  I had no starting and stopping point. I started with what she told me to be and stopped with what he said I was. And he said I was some horrible things. In my mind, I see God taking an eraser to it all. Erasing the lines, blowing off the eraser dust, and redrawing me perfectly. Perfectly imperfect. Me. Beautiful, lovely, me.

Some amazing things about this last week or so:

-I did Emily's hair and she broke out the red lipstick. Nobody looks better in red lipstick than she does.

-I danced like no one was watching. On more than one occasion. 

-I started another semester of school.

-I made new friends.

-I snuggled with Brooklyn and Charlotte on the couch. 

-I read Brooklyn's report card: she is a whole grade level ahead in math and reading.

-I sweat. It felt AMAZING. I was shedding bad memories. With every bead that dripped down my face, down my back, between my breasts... I was sweating off pain.

-I sat with my mom. We watched TV. She brought me cups of coffee. With the perfect amount of cream, exactly the way I like it.

-I got what was quite possibly the best email ever from my Vanessa. We talked on the phone way too late about everything and nothing, about my husband. About her husband. About the land of the unicorns... :) Oh, and she made a new mix!

-I ate pasta right out of the serving spoon.

-I got my nose pierced. Super cute. 

-I found amazing liquid eyeliner for two dollars: wet'n'wild y'all. 

ohmygracious! I almost forgot to tell you!! I am in communications with this amazing photographer, mandylynne.com  - she is one of my favorites. The picture above is the last picture I have had taken with my girls... I'm six months pregnant with Charlie. So, this summer I am going to Springfield, MO... ROADTRIP!!! With V and my girlies, and I am getting real, professional pictures taken with my girls. Family Pictures. I might try to sneak a few in with Vanessa too. 

Well folks, I am going to head to the Y. I think I will try a new class today...

fresh starts

So, those of you who know me personally, and those of you have been following me even since the old blog... well, you know I have been through a lot in the last several years. I'd debrief you, but honestly you don't want to hear about it. Odds are, you lived through it with me if you are reading this blog... :o)

I say it every year, but I really truly honestly believe that 2011 is going to be AMAZING!!! BETTER THAN AMAZING!!!! It is going to be some word our language doesn't have that is better than any super hyperpositive descriptive word in the english language. 2011 is going to rock our socks off. Wait. and. see....

I am 26 now. Y'all probably knew that. Birthdays are kinda weird now. Anything that happens now, I can never in my life say it happened in my early twenties. I am no longer in my early twenties. I am growing more aware of the fact that there won't always be time to do things... time doesn't wait on me. My mom would scoff at my silliness. To her, I am so young. I get it. But I am entering into a new category of some sort, for sure. 

I am waaaaay single. Like, not even a little bit dating. I miss dates. I miss kissing. But I LOVE everything I am learning about myself. I really do love this season. I am having fun. And, I think I am on the cusp of some incredible personal growth and change that will insure my arrival. I will say, "I have arrived."

Upcoming change: I think I have found a new place to live! It is nearly too good to be true, so I am keeping my fingers crossed. I go for the official tour tomorrow. I will be sure and take my phone to snap some pictures of the inside- I will try and share on here asap. I have been praying for a new home, one that I can afford. One that is in a good area. One that the girls and I can call home. 

I have INCREDIBLE friends. Like, the kind of girlfriends you wish for your whole life. One of them is my mom. Sometimes when I stop to consider the beautiful women that have come alongside me and carried me through, I want to fall to my knees and praise God. Thank you isn't enough... I can't thank God enough for the gift of the women He has put in my life. That He chose my mom for me. That He chose a softball diamond for Emily and I to unite forces as the girls on the team, and we've loved each other ever since. That Emily would set me up on a blind friend date with Vanessa, because she had a feeling that we should meet... and on that day, at the donut whole, I met my sister for the first time. My God appointed, spiritual sister. On that day, part of me was awakened. Like two little girls running through a field in cotton dresses, sun shining brightly, laughing and giggling til we had to stop to breathe... and we collapse and lay and look at the clouds... and look at each other. No words. Smiles. And she knows, and I know, everything is going to be alright. She looks at me and I feel loved- we say I love you with our eyes...that is how it feels... I wish I could describe it better. I'm feeling so loved!

My girls... oh, my girls. They are the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Everything about them is lovely, and God breathed. I feel so honored to raise them up, to teach them about God, to be the one that loves them most and best. Again, makes me want to hit my knees and praise God. We have made it to the other side, we three. We are free.

I feel like celebrating!!! I feel like there are so many things to celebrate!!! Maybe, at the very least, a housewarming party?

The birth of a Savior?

Christmas!!!!

Okay, I'll be back soon with updates. 

...becoming...

It has been a while. Where does the time go?

Recently I heard on NPR (national public radio) about a study that some scientists did in Russia. (At least I think it was Russia?) They took individuals out in a huge open field, blind folded them, and asked them to walk in a straight line. It isn't possible. Every single time, the walker turned and started to walk in a circle. The hypothesized that it could be left/right handedness, but disproved it because lefties were turning right and vice versa. They thought it was correlated with brain hemispheres, but they disproved that as well. They weren't able to prove why, but they did prove that it happens every time without fail. I was fascinated with this experiment. My "attach meaning to everything" type brain considered this a spiritual metaphor. 

They proved that humans are only capable of walking in a straight line when they are able to fix their eyes on someone or something in the distance. If they can't fix their eyes on anything, they walk in circles.

I have been trying to keep my eyes fixed, but more often than not I feel as though I am walking in circles. Big, dramatic, exhausting circles.

So, along these same lines- here is my new plan. First, I must fully identify what it is exactly I dream of. What kind of woman do I want to be? What dreams do I have for my life? Go ahead and gasp, but I think God gives us the right to dream. I think we are supposed to. I think we get to collaborate on these things with God. Step 1: Identification, aka finding the place to fix your eyes spiritually and also figuratively.

Step 2: Start making choices. Talk to God about the big ones, and the small ones if you wish. But move. You can't stand still. You have to make choices. Before fully making a decision, ask yourself, "Will these move me toward or away from what I'm after?"

When you know the answer, move toward your dreams. Simple. Move in the direction of your dreams. Do this every day, and eventually you will see them come to pass.

I feel as though I am either standing still, or going in circles. But for some strange reason I feel empowered to start moving... straight toward the life God has had in store for me all along, and straight into His loving presence.

I must go for now, I am going to Yoga. Because choosing to go to yoga moves me one step in the direction of my weight loss goals. :o)

Love to you all, and we'll catch up soon.

how do you eat an elephant?

The warmer weather has all of us itching to get outside! The girls and I took a hike/walk the other day- along with Ollie the Cow dog. He is a good dog, and we sure do love him. He is also half lab and half collie- so he is very smart AND very full of ENERGY. I tell Brooklyn to get dressed so we can go for an adventure and that she will need pants on. To her this means wearing tights with the dress, and leopard print coat. She is fabulous and that's all there is to it.



My first week of weight watchers I lost four pounds. A small victory- but a victory. I feel like I am doing well adhering to the plan, and it hasn't felt like I have given up too much. I do have a terrible sweet tooth and there have been many times I have wanted sugary sweets. It comes down to self-discipline. I hope to start working out more. I love to lift weights, and I'm planning on taking a zumba class. It is supposed to be all the rage- check it out on youtube. And of course, there is always my one true love- YOGA! I do love yoga.



The weight loss part is really nice, but the best part is just taking care of yourself.



I know this sounds silly, but thinking about losing weight has me thinking about other things... like fashion! I like the idea that I might be able to wear some trendy things. Or buy a bathing suit. Speaking of, I really really really want this one:

I love the vintage style... the black... the neckline... its only $140 at Anthropologie! Couldn't you see it paired with some Audrey type sunglasses? A girl can dream though... and maybe by the end of summer, I might be ready to rock a two piece. MAYBE.

I think that every once in awhile, its good for us girls to be girly. Dream of dresses and pedicures and spend just a little extra time on our make-up. I really love being a woman. For so many more reasons then this...

Spring is almost here! The sun is shining on me through the window now as I type. I hope your day is as beautiful, where ever you are...

life is good!!!

Hello Friends! I am so sorry for not having any pictures to share! Please forgive me. I have been without home internet for awhile. (Ollie the cow dog chewed through the chord, I recently discovered. More on that later.)

I'm back to school and I am taking a full time load. I am enjoying my classes so far. My professors are all so very different, which makes for not so ordinary days. I have recently applied for a job at a fun restaurant/bar kind of place and I feel that the interview went well. Still no word... but I figure it will play out just as it should. I have started yoga and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! For the first time, I feel as though I have found a form of exercise that I would love to do every day. The girls are doing well. Brooklyn was recently recognized for being a good citizen in her class. Charlotte is suddenly saying everything. Lately she asks, "Whas dat?" about nearly everything. This is how they learn. I love her curiosity. Brooklyn is getting long and lean, her little face is just looking so much older. We have talks frequently. Sometimes we snuggle and talk about horses. Sometimes we snuggle and talk about dreams. Sometimes we snuggle and talk about our lives and what our goals are. I know better than to treat her like a grown up or a friend, but I think it is important to have these kinds of talks with daughters. I want her to know me. Really know me. She knows where I go to school, and what my dreams are. She tells me what makes her happy and how friends at school treat her. Sometimes parents can get so caught up in the everyday rigamarole and the never ending to-do list that they forget to slow down and just enjoy the company of their babies. I really like my kids. They are turning into way cool people. They are so very different and yet so similar, and I wouldn't change a thing about them.

I recently had laser surgery on my eyes. I refer to it as my own personal miracle. It is a miracle. I was previously legally blind without correction- worse than 20/800. I had surgery on a friday morning, and on saturday morning I read 20/15! God is good. That is all I have to say about that. And, it is amazing to wake up, open your eyes, and see. I will never take it for granted.

The bathroom is almost finished! I have a shelf and mirror to paint... then its done! I am trying to work steadily through one project at a time, but I must admit I have home project/painting ADD. Of course, you know this about me and love me anyway.

I have some amazing friends. Like, sisters-from-another-mother-that-really-love-each-other kind of friends. I am so blessed to have authentic, humble, loving women in my life. You won't hear a one of us talk bad about another. You will never feel judged. You will be told the truth, not just icecream cones. In our circle, you are welcome and beautiful and adored. When you are hurting, the group will nurse your wounds. When you are afraid, they will lend you their courage. When you overly excited, the group will get excited for you. We break bread together. We laugh til we cry together. We cry til we laugh together. I believe we all walk through life, stronger women, because we have each other. The funny thing is, I am not so good at intimacy with women. Or at least I wasn't. But I desperately wanted real friends. I'm not the girl who has BFFs from high school. I prayed for friends. For months and months. It started with one, and now there are many! Ladies- make friends. Pray for them. Find people who inspire you and who are positive and gravitate toward them. Now, more then ever, I believe that good friends are crucial to discovering yourself and finding your bliss. I had one friend: Emily. Through some prayer and putting myself out there, (including a blind friend date :o) I now know and love: Vanessa, April, Erin, Abi, Chandra, Emily, Laurel, Kat, and I am making new friends all the time!!! I have to say, my mom is my original, til death do us part best friend. Emily is my angel friend. Vanessa is my soul mate friend. April is my older sister/motherly friend. Erin is my quietly bold, encouraging friend. Gosh, I'm feeling like the luckiest girl ever!

Life is so good.

I'm going to need my internet for school, so I will get it up and going soon. Which means pictures of my bathroom, of my besties. And who knows what else...oooh...I have some fabulous flea market finds to share! I haven't done that for a while.

I hope that your year is off to a great start! I hope that where ever you are, you have some joy to share. I hope that you know some amazing women, who are only a phone call away. I hope that you dream...

small changes

I have been making some changes, and I have to say in less than week I am feeling so much better. First and foremost, I completely banned fast food. Within a short distance of my home, there is an Arbys, Braums, McDonalds, Burger King, Long John Silvers, Wendy's, and a Taco Bell. I may be forgetting one or two. Isn't that ridiculous? I'm a sucker for french fries and Burger King's hershey pie. I have been paying attention to portions. I have been cooking dinners. I have been snacking on fruit. When I was dying to have something sweet, I ate one reeses cup and gave the other to Brooklyn. They are rich and do the trick! I have been parking farther away, and taking long walks with Charlie. Today I walked over three miles, and I really enjoyed it. Charlie just loves riding along in the stroller. She just takes it all in. In the next few days I will be making an effort to drink more water, that isn't something I am very good at. 

Tonight I am signing Brooklyn up for girl scouts. I was a brownie for a while, and I loved it. She starts dance class next week and saturday soccer in September. The week starts filling up so quickly. I make sure and really talk to her about the things she is involved in. I want to make sure she really wants to try the activities. We are trying a more serious dance academy, (not a crazy serious) and I look forward to watching her learn. The girl just loves to move, and so does Charlie for that matter!

Our lives are filling up quickly, and I don't mind. I love taking Brooklyn to school every day and being there to pick her up. I love being available so that she can get involved. I love packing her lunch and those extra tight hugs goodbye in the morning. I love spending the day with Charlotte doing simple things like walking, going to the grocery store, picking up the kitchen, snuggling, dancing... these things make me so happy. Being a stay-at-home mom brings me joy. 

We are off to pick up my girlie...

big town school, beginning of getting healthy

Brooklyn loves kindergarten, but we all knew she would. One thing I never thought about was all the one on one time I would have with Charlotte. It is really nice to spend time with just her. She has pretty much always had to share me with Brooklyn, and being with her reminds me a lot of the time I had when it was just Brooklie and I. 

I had always thought I would move to a smaller community before Brooklyn started Kindergarten. And in the way that most plans go, I didn't. But for a big town, I am loving her school! It is in a residential area, and you wouldn't even know it was there if you weren't in the neighborhood. It is an old little school, and it just has a special way of greeting you when you walk in the front doors. The classes are small, mostly neighborhood kids. (there are about 30 kindergarten kids total) There is school soccer, t-ball, basketball, skating parties, reading parties, etc. and I am so excited for the ways Brooklyn can get involved. She is signed up for soccer, so I am sure there will be some interesting pictures to post! Our big town school feels a lot like a small town school. I am thankful.

I also planned to lose weight this summer, and ironically I gained weight! I am not feeling very good about it. I am making changes and being realistic about what I need to do. So there might be some weight loss/learning to love exercise/learning to change my relationship with food posts. You girls don't mind, right? Today, I parked a few blocks away and we walked to school. Then I pushed Charlie in the stroller and walked for an hour just throughout the neighborhood. It is such a pretty neighborhood! Next time I will take pictures. I am certain you can always find God on an early morning walk. 

I will be journaling my food, in an effort to force myself to practice self-discipline and be more intentional about the way I feed my body. I look forward to creating some healthy recipes to share with y'all. I really do believe that being healthy can be fun. I am setting out to do just that!

(Now, do I dare share my actual weight with you all?)

I have some cleaning to do, so I'm off to put on a pot of coffee! (...while listening to the mix CD my new BFF made for me!)