poor seedlings

Yesterday was one of those days. The day was packed with self-realization. Austin planned an afternoon for us- no kiddos, just hanging out. We ate lunch at one of our favorites. We drove to the country. We stopped at a feed store, because feed stores make me happy. Walking in, that whiff of sweet feed... takes me back to my small town days, ripping the string on the bag of feed and filling the folgers can. (I always managed to sneak my horse an extra can... or two.) I made him look at saddles and plants and horse brushes and a stuffed turkey, among other things. He bought me a plant and some seeds. Afterwards, we went to a brand new goodwill. We went to meetings. We had dinner at his folk's and brought the girlies home. Realizing I had left my seedlings outside (in an effort to "harden them off") I started to worry. A big Kansas storm, complete with golf ball size hail, had come through town. He sensed my worry. He placed his hand on my leg, and said, "If your plants don't make it, I will take you to fill a flat with new ones, okay?" He tried to be optimistic, pointing to the clouds in our direction, "see, it doesn't look so bad over our way," and "maybe we didn't get hit so hard." I thought about farmers. I thought about how they rely on nature for so much of their livelihood. Here I was, fretting. It could be so much worse. Then I thought about the seeds we sew. And how we spend time and effort and energy with high hopes for our seeds. What seeds am I sewing in life? What will I reap from those seeds? 

Yesterday, I shared with friends how God won't let me be comfortable. How I should have so much joy at a time like this. How my life is better than it has ever been, and how my girls add such richness- but I am not full of joy. I am not comfortable. I am not at peace with myself. I did something that was long over due. I said sorry. I admitted some things about myself. I shared this internal struggle. I said sorry to the people I love most, for all kinds of things that I sincerely felt sorry about. I prayed. I think I know what I am dealing with now:

complacency.

I have a plan of action. I need to get more sleep. I need to wake up early and spend time with God. I need to exercise daily. I need to take care of myself. I need to MOVE toward goals. I need to remember to say sorry. I need to be intentional about the way I live my life. I am most definitely a work-in-progress. I wish I could say I woke up this morning a whole new woman. That just isn't the case. But I am more aware, and I can do something with that.

Some of my seedlings didn't make it. Others are hanging on with every ounce of chlorophyll they have. Nature had its own plans for "hardening off" and in some ways that feels like the stage I am in. God is toughening me up for the future. He knows the conditions ahead of me, and He won't let me venture out unprepared. Sometimes it is impossible to be comfortable in our current state. Seedlings can't produce in their little greenhouse trays, the too small spaces will kill them. They can't be thrown out in the scorching sun either. It would be too harsh for survival. To everything there is a season, a time and purpose for everything under heaven... 

God makes all things beautiful in their time.

Okay, I am hanging on too, that someday I might bear fruit of the spiritual kind.