Sunday, April 18, 2010

plus or minus

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." 

-- Audrey Hepburn

I found this on a friend of a friend's blog. I love Audrey. And I really love this quote.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a woman. Not just a woman, but a woman who loves the Lord. As soon as I type those words a little part of me cringes because I know that some people will be immediately turned off. But that's what I am after. 

I have been journaling quite a lot lately, and I feel like I am on the verge of something big. God has been doing some subtracting from my life. He can do that, you know? He can decide he doesn't like this or that and before you know it, your life looks different. He adds too. He adds people, good good good hearted people. He adds opportunities. He adds a little adventure. He adds blessings that seem too good to be true. I have to admit, when I first started sincerely praying to live according to God's will for my life, I was all talk. I said it because I wanted to feel like I was living right. I wanted to feel like I was a good daughter. But when living on my own accord got so bad, so painful, that I became truly desperate to live out God's will- I prayed for it and meant it. I begged for it.I could no longer stand my own will. And folks, the changes that came with that HURT. The refinement that needed to take place was excruciating for my soul. It is still a little tender to the touch. But for the first time in my whole life, I AM FREE.

Isn't that crazy? That we come to know FREEDOM by submitting our lives to God? I think I must have heard that 1000 times. I had to live it to truly know what it felt like. The walk to the ledge is a bit scary. Looking over the ledge is gut-wrenchingly terrifying. The step off the ledge makes your heart stop beating and your organs drop. The falling is half frightening and half exciting. You become fearful of the landing... and then... you are caught in His arms. The landing is soft and warm and safe and beautiful. And you feel silly for being so afraid in the first place. That is what trusting God feels like for me.

I have been so wounded by human beings that I struggle to trust the Creator of the universe and every creature in it! How non-sensical is that? But God gets me. He knows where I am coming from. And He knows way deep down, I love Him. I want to trust Him. I am trying with every ounce of capacity my little human heart has. I have prayed a sincere prayer of wanting God's will for my life, and I feel free- and He has given me a gift.

Before we can move forward, now is the time for you to truly extend yourself some grace. Come to see yourself as I see you. Learn to love yourself as I love you. Listen to the cries of your heart and understand where they come from. Nurse your wounds, child. Pause long enough for them to heal over. Be fearless about learning about your own nature, your faults, your strengths, your passions, your dreams. Be fierce about loving me. In exchange for your desire and willingness to want me more than anything in your life, I extend you the time and grace to come to heal, know, and love yourself deeply and completely. Let me show you how beautifully and wonderfully made you are...

Audrey seems to really know what she likes and what she believes in. She too, was no stranger to adversity. She loved laughing and kissing and so do I! Tomorrow is another day! Miracles are all around us! Audrey, you were on to something...

Life is so rich. It is so good and so full. God adds and takes away and sometimes it stinks and sometimes it takes awhile but you will find freedom and peace. I have a long way to go. A really really long long way to go. But I believe in miracles.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

my cup runneth over

So I have some exciting news to share! I got the job!!!! I really am so excited about this opportunity to work with kids, and I really believe it is such a great fit for me. Not to mention, this will be the kind of job that suits my strengths and where I believe I can make a difference. What could be better than helping kids? 

My pear trees are blooming. I think spring is such a magical time of year. I love new beginnings, new life. When the trees get their green leaves and the flowers start blooming I feel like all is right with the world. This spring is a very special spring for me, I believe it is marked as one of my tried and true new beginnings. I believe this spring is the first spring of my brand new life. It is a very special thing, to remember how to love yourself. Let's just say, right now it feels as though there are unlimited possibilities for my life. 

Women are amazing. They truly are! I feel like the women in my life have changed my life forever. They gave me courage when mine ran out. They prayed with me and cried with me and laughed with me and celebrated with me. I am nearly in tears over the love I feel for them. And tonight, I am going to meet more amazing women. Tonight I am joining a support group of women who have survived abuse. My hope and prayer is that I can be as loving and supportive of them as the women in my life have been for me. 

Daughters can inspire you to do anything! (Sons too, I'm sure. I just don't have any of those.) Really, my girls make me feel like I can do anything and everything. They give me strength I didn't know I had. My girls have redefined so many things for me- beauty, joy, excitement, adventure, beauty, love, to name a few. But most of all, they have completely and totally redefined me. And I really like this version of me, the mamma version. I think I am just mostly overwhelmed at God's goodness and love. 

I think the farmers market has started again. I'm thinking I will have to go buy some produce and flowers. Who knows? If its nice I might even wear a pretty sun dress and cowgirl boots. 

Don't ever underestimate the power of a woman.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

B is for Brazen

I feel like my life is made up of all these different categories and elements. And I like to have them in some sort of order. I like to know where each one fits and how each ones aligns with who I am. That is how I am most comfortable. But lately, I am feeling like someone took all the individual parts, threw them in the monkey barrel, shook it all up, and poured them out all over the place- leaving me to run around like a mad woman trying to make sense of things again. Having no clue how to create order in the chaos, I find myself looking to God. Well, sort of.

I am suddenly highly aware of myself. Does that make sense? Like, I'm a 25 year old, single mom of two daughters. I get that. But I am also on my own. I go to bed on my own. I wake up on my own. I brush my teeth and look at myself in the mirror and say, "This is you, Kali. This is your life. This is what you look like when you brush your teeth." I find myself grabbing at happy bits of childhood, like somehow they can give me some kind of indication of who I am today. I read my daily devotional and it feels a bit like rhetoric, but I'm looking for God to beam down instructions for who I am and how I am supposed to live my life. I drink a beer or two with women that I admire, probing them for advice on how to be. If I find anything I thoroughly enjoy, I do lots of it, hoping I am learning something certain about myself. Sometimes, I willingly do something completely reckless because the consequences make me feel like I am alive. Maybe I am just a typical twenty-something. I think this might be part of the price I pay for having a child when I was 18. There is all this figuring out to do while you are in your early twenties...

I've been mulling over anything and everything. Like, how much money is too much money to spend on appearances? How will I handle things when a guy comes on to me? I can't do everything I would like to, as a mother, so which things are most important? What has my mother taught me about who I am? My father? What does God think about me? How do I feel about my body image, and is that appropriate? Is it okay for me to buy myself sexy underwear even if I am the only one who ever sees it? I really want a huge tattoo on my arm, but is that something I will regret? Will it send the wrong message to potential employers? Should I care? Could I wait for my husband, even though I have sort of crossed the point of no return in the sex department? Can a girl like me reclaim herself like that? I wonder what it would take to get into the best shape of my life... where do I start?

Do you see what I mean? IT. IS. EXHAUSTING. 

Try being my friend!!! Bless their well meaning hearts... :o)

Today, lacking the energy to pray, I just asked God a question. And He answered. 

You get to choose.

Really God? That's it? I get to choose? Well, why the heck did you make me so indecisive? I can barely pick out toilet paper, let alone major life defining/individual sculpting choices. Why can't I be like those women? You know which ones I am talking about. They are fiercely themselves, making no apologies, just living out who they are and enjoying it. They have this pull about them, their self-certainty is so attractive. How does one achieve that? How do I reconcile who I have been, who I am now, and who I want to be?

Jesus blessed the adulteress. Maybe if I could see Jesus, touch his hands, maybe then I could feel pure again, like I could live free of it all. Maybe if He walked up to me, blessed me, and with his sweet voice told me to go and sin no more, maybe then I would feel like I have the power to be different. Instead, there is this little quickening in my spirit, and once sentence, you get to choose.

I'm a grown up. A full fledged, on my own, make my own decisions and decide who I want to be grown up. And I am also in charge of raising two little girls. And I have an obligation to my husband, wherever or whoever he is... because I need to respect him and remain loyal to him, even in this time. If I share something, you must promise not to laugh....

I talk to him. I ask him, "Would you like a tattoo?" Or if the best song ever is on my radio, I sing it loud and wonder if he likes the song too. Living as a human trying to live for God is tough. It ain't easy being green. But the unlimited possibilities, the freedom to make a choice, that is one of the most beautiful parts of Jesus' life, death, and resurrection. 

Happy Easter.  

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The first of April

I'm wooing you with a pretty picture. (source unknown) 

This weekend has to be a productive weekend. For starters, I have been applying for jobs. I recently interviewed for a job with a social service organization- which primarily works with children and families... and to say I really want the job is an understatement! I'm hoping and praying that it all works out. I will land somewhere eventually.

And, there is a big project in the works!!!! I feel like it is going to be so much fun!!! This little project has been waiting patiently for my life to free up a bit. It is a long time in the making. Check back here soon for the official unveiling! You'll be glad you did. :o)

I'm putting the final touches on that pretty bathroom. I know, it has been FOREVER. But it is almost ready for the close up. I have just realized that I have a TON of painting to do. Walls, trim, furniture, walls, walls, furniture... but the end result will be beautiful. 

Spring is here, and it is lovely. I love Spring.