Sunday, April 18, 2010

plus or minus

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles." 

-- Audrey Hepburn

I found this on a friend of a friend's blog. I love Audrey. And I really love this quote.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a woman. Not just a woman, but a woman who loves the Lord. As soon as I type those words a little part of me cringes because I know that some people will be immediately turned off. But that's what I am after. 

I have been journaling quite a lot lately, and I feel like I am on the verge of something big. God has been doing some subtracting from my life. He can do that, you know? He can decide he doesn't like this or that and before you know it, your life looks different. He adds too. He adds people, good good good hearted people. He adds opportunities. He adds a little adventure. He adds blessings that seem too good to be true. I have to admit, when I first started sincerely praying to live according to God's will for my life, I was all talk. I said it because I wanted to feel like I was living right. I wanted to feel like I was a good daughter. But when living on my own accord got so bad, so painful, that I became truly desperate to live out God's will- I prayed for it and meant it. I begged for it.I could no longer stand my own will. And folks, the changes that came with that HURT. The refinement that needed to take place was excruciating for my soul. It is still a little tender to the touch. But for the first time in my whole life, I AM FREE.

Isn't that crazy? That we come to know FREEDOM by submitting our lives to God? I think I must have heard that 1000 times. I had to live it to truly know what it felt like. The walk to the ledge is a bit scary. Looking over the ledge is gut-wrenchingly terrifying. The step off the ledge makes your heart stop beating and your organs drop. The falling is half frightening and half exciting. You become fearful of the landing... and then... you are caught in His arms. The landing is soft and warm and safe and beautiful. And you feel silly for being so afraid in the first place. That is what trusting God feels like for me.

I have been so wounded by human beings that I struggle to trust the Creator of the universe and every creature in it! How non-sensical is that? But God gets me. He knows where I am coming from. And He knows way deep down, I love Him. I want to trust Him. I am trying with every ounce of capacity my little human heart has. I have prayed a sincere prayer of wanting God's will for my life, and I feel free- and He has given me a gift.

Before we can move forward, now is the time for you to truly extend yourself some grace. Come to see yourself as I see you. Learn to love yourself as I love you. Listen to the cries of your heart and understand where they come from. Nurse your wounds, child. Pause long enough for them to heal over. Be fearless about learning about your own nature, your faults, your strengths, your passions, your dreams. Be fierce about loving me. In exchange for your desire and willingness to want me more than anything in your life, I extend you the time and grace to come to heal, know, and love yourself deeply and completely. Let me show you how beautifully and wonderfully made you are...

Audrey seems to really know what she likes and what she believes in. She too, was no stranger to adversity. She loved laughing and kissing and so do I! Tomorrow is another day! Miracles are all around us! Audrey, you were on to something...

Life is so rich. It is so good and so full. God adds and takes away and sometimes it stinks and sometimes it takes awhile but you will find freedom and peace. I have a long way to go. A really really long long way to go. But I believe in miracles.

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