Saturday, June 5, 2010

forgiveness- front and center

I've caught myself feeling pretty happy, as of late. Maybe happy isn't the right word... maybe content would be more appropriate. I'm alright. And that is a good feeling. 

There has been a huge shift in my walk. Over the last six years plus, my walk has been very healing focused... survival mode, just learning how to handle today and wake up tomorrow ready to handle that day. I realized I had many days in a row, when I was just okay. I was better than surviving. And then God started in with the whole forgiveness bit. More specifically, self forgiveness.

Now, I am a very insightful, self-aware individual. I feel like I see myself realistically, and if not, too harshly. But when it comes to self-forgiveness, it is like a big blind spot in my self-actualization. As much as I fight this, God keeps putting it front and center. He has made it clear, that this is a crucial part of moving forward, of becoming who He has created me to be. If I avoid this most important step, I will be stuck in okay.

I have always admired women who seem to really know themselves, and really LOVE themselves. I just wished I could encounter such peace with myself, all that I have been, currently am or ever will be. I am surprised at the compassion I feel toward others but not toward myself. But that whole self-love thing, I think it starts with self-forgiveness.

If my walk were on literal stepping stones, I just jumped to a new one. And on the previous one, I couldn't see too far ahead, couldn't see where I was going. But on this one, I can see it! I feel as though I finally see that place I have been striving for. The goal is within sight, no longer this far off place that I only dreamt of. I feel so willing to do whatever it takes to get there...

I must say, I couldn't have arrived here without several women, and my two little soul mates. They carried me. They upheld me. They forced me to refuse to give up. They made me believe that God is a tender and compassionate daddy. They made me laugh, and cried for me. They changed my life forever, and I wish there were words that could express just what they mean to me. Ma, V, Em- I love you so much. Thank you. 

God, thank you so much. I am SO blessed. I can't praise You enough. 

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