Decision making is supposed to be made easier once you define your values. I could definitely benefit from anything that helps in decision making. I found that specifying my values helped. But it also shifted the focus a little bit. I have been weighing everything against this list. I want to move towards a life that supports my values, that reflects what I believe, that creates change. Honestly, I have felt a bit stagnant... complacent.
If I had a dollar for every time I have said, "I just don't know what the right thing to do is," then I might be one rich girl. I am so motivated by "doing the right thing" and half the time I have no clue what that means. I weigh things against my faith. I weigh things against scripture. I weigh things against my values. I weigh things against what seems to be best for my daughters. Nothing is clear. Nothing is cut and dry.
I have been practicing asking myself, "What do I want?" It feels selfish. Sometimes what I want feels wrong. Sometimes I wish I could throw my hands up and say I am what I am. I can't be the perfect mom. I can't get married when I have no clue what that is supposed to look like. I can't squeeze myself into the box that never fit me to begin with. I can't pretend a new reality. I can't wear a size six anymore. I can't act like things don't hurt when inside they are eating me alive. I can't provide solid evidence of God. I can't change what has been done. I can't feel guilty for everything all the time. I can't worry myself sick with what may be while life passes by. I can't change who I am according to his needs. I can't stop adhering to my values, for they will be all that is left of me when I am gone.
In the last few years, I have been taken to parts of the world that I would rather not know. I have experienced things I would have never wanted to experience. I have felt pain in a way that I never had before. I have become helpless before God, fighting for those that I love with prayer. I have made some really poor choices and I have done everything I could to keep from looking at the truth. There is no running from the truth. You can pretend your whole life long, but it finds you. It won't let you be. Maybe that is the curse of loving God. He won't let you follow down that road. He won't let you get comfortable in false sense of love. He won't let you walk down that isle. He won't let you lose yourself in the world and its trickery. He won't let you get too far away that you can't hear Him call you back. He won't leave or forsake you when you almost rather be left or forsaken. God doesn't work like that, so I am learning.
Trust. Yuck. I wouldn't know where to begin. How do I trust? How do I ever begin to experience God's love and trust it, when every person I have ever loved has abandoned me? betrayed me? broken my spirit? I have been looking for certainty in an uncertain world. And when I couldn't find it, I went about creating it. Every day, I would tell myself I had it. I wore rings that represented it. I smiled at the family functions so they could see I had it. I went to school because that was like insurance for it. I dressed my daughters the part. The irony? The only certain thing about either of their lives: ME. That's it. I have been the only constant. I have been looking everywhere for just something, anything, that I can count on no matter what. And all the while my daughters have been looking to me...
You know what? It is about time that I recognized that I will never find what I am looking for in this world. I might catch glimpses of it- maybe in my daughters' eyes, or on my wedding day. I am tired of searching in all the wrong places. My efforts have been fruitless and exhausting. That's the other thing, God will let you chase it til you have no choice but to come back to Him.
I have my faith. My values. My daughters. My God. Besides that, nothing is certain. But I have a feeling that these are all I need. I have a feeling that if I start chasing after these things, life will get a little easier. It will make a little more sense. Life will be completely uncertain, but trust will be enough.