Tuesday, May 12, 2009

sorry. no pictures...

Today, I had this creepy little thought emerge and highlight itself among all the other thoughts running through my mind.

What if I have no clue who I am?

I am twenty four. I know that the 20's are infamous for these types of creepy little thoughts. But I still don't like them. What is going on with me? Is it true? Do I have no clue? I know, I know. It's a "journey of becoming" that I am on. I must "create the life I want to live" and "make the most of what I am dealt." Perhaps it is a Benjamin Button induced awareness, but I am feeling... clueless.

Over the last year, my faith has been rattled. As I have learned more, grown more, experienced more, I have began to call into question those truths which I have held as absolute. I dived into the Bible, only feeling refreshed when I came up for air. I have redrawn lines that others drew for me. I have fought to uphold my beliefs, and then discovered that they change. I am a Christian, and always will be. I think this process is called evolving? I would venture to assume that God expects us to question. Especially since He makes it clear that we aren't capable of understanding.  But something happens when you realize that you are changing. Who the heck am I then? What do I hold on to? 

Unfortunately, I think I am the type of person that could do just about anything I set out to do. I could be a teacher or a photographer or a farmer or a doctor. I like a lot of things. I am pretty good at a lot of things. I am going to school, and at least that is moving in the right direction. At some point, I will have to choose. Why is choosing so hard for me? I pray all day long. I read my Bible most nights. I ask for direction. You know what I am left with?

This is your choice. 

Great. So all this time I have searched and sought after "the right thing to do" has revealed that there is rarely a "right" choice. Super Christians make it look so simple. Their lives seem to be a series of prayerful "right" decisions that paint this beautiful picture. They don't get pregnant in high school. They don't get rip roaring drunk with girl friends. They don't have the time of their lives at karaoke night at a gay bar. They don't question the absolutes... Do they?

Lately I have been so afraid of decisions as though they were permanent. I have only been seeing things in black and white. I can't quite get to the bottom of what it is I am afraid of. But I know it is keeping me from knowing myself better; from knowing who I am. 

I know what you are all thinking. This girl needs some therapy.

I will get there...

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