Yesterday, I shared with friends how God won't let me be comfortable. How I should have so much joy at a time like this. How my life is better than it has ever been, and how my girls add such richness- but I am not full of joy. I am not comfortable. I am not at peace with myself. I did something that was long over due. I said sorry. I admitted some things about myself. I shared this internal struggle. I said sorry to the people I love most, for all kinds of things that I sincerely felt sorry about. I prayed. I think I know what I am dealing with now:
I have a plan of action. I need to get more sleep. I need to wake up early and spend time with God. I need to exercise daily. I need to take care of myself. I need to MOVE toward goals. I need to remember to say sorry. I need to be intentional about the way I live my life. I am most definitely a work-in-progress. I wish I could say I woke up this morning a whole new woman. That just isn't the case. But I am more aware, and I can do something with that.
Some of my seedlings didn't make it. Others are hanging on with every ounce of chlorophyll they have. Nature had its own plans for "hardening off" and in some ways that feels like the stage I am in. God is toughening me up for the future. He knows the conditions ahead of me, and He won't let me venture out unprepared. Sometimes it is impossible to be comfortable in our current state. Seedlings can't produce in their little greenhouse trays, the too small spaces will kill them. They can't be thrown out in the scorching sun either. It would be too harsh for survival. To everything there is a season, a time and purpose for everything under heaven...
God makes all things beautiful in their time.
Okay, I am hanging on too, that someday I might bear fruit of the spiritual kind.