Tuesday, April 28, 2009

tuesdays unwrapped #2

I woke up this morning to find flowers and a note on my little kitchen table. Austin dropped Charlie off late, I was already in bed. The flowers were a sneaky surprise. Admittedly, things have been tough lately. The future is unknown. But for today, I loved these flowers.

It is the small things that count.

For this Tuesday, I wanted to get down to the *heart* of the matter. I have been thinking a lot about being true to one's heart. I know, sounds totally cliche. Let me try a different approach: I have been thinking about self honesty. It seems to me, that I am most happy when I live honestly. For example: Which is better, working mom or stay-at-home mom? My thoughts: whichever one allows that mother to  live according to what she honestly, in her heart of hearts, wants. If she chooses according to outside influences, (pressures from family members, financial pressures, etc.) she will be uncomfortable. She might still find joy, but her heart will quietly ache for its desire; for honesty. Before I was laid off, I had a nice income. I was financially comfortable. I could afford things and shop and even save a little from time to time. But inside, all I wanted to do was be at home with Brooklyn. Accounting might have been my worst fit. I just wasn't living honestly. The longer I continued to live that way, the harder it was on my spirit. I think, in such a fast paced world, all the noise and change and excitement can drown out the quiet whisper of our hearts. Time passes. More and more, we notice how uncomfortable we really are and yet we can't quite put our finger on why. We grasp at the things that seem to relieve our spirit, even for just a moment. Eventually we realize that we aren't being true to our hearts. 

I have noticed lately that I am just not quite comfortable. There is a tugging at my spirit that just won't let me settle in the space I am in. Last night, during prayer, I realized that I am striving to please everyone else around me. I might be doing a fair job of it. But I am not living in a way that is true to myself. I worry so much about disappointing the people I love. A certain amount of that is healthy. In my case, I feel enslaved to it. I make life decisions based on what others want me to do. This has become my natural resolve- even before talking with God. No wonder my spirit feels sick...

On this Tuesday unwrapped, I have a simple request. I ask that you take a few moments all to yourself. I ask that you quiet the world around you. I ask that you reflect on the space you are in- who shares it? How is your time invested? Are you joyful? Is your spirit being fed? Are you living a life that is honest with your heart? Today I am requesting that you honestly answer a most simple question:

What do you want?

Ignore all the external influences. Don't be selfish- just be genuine. What desires has God placed on your heart? What does the life you live say about the essence of who you are? How can you live more honestly? On this Tuesday, unwrap the simple gifts that were yours all along.

1 comment:

  1. Oh KALI! How absolutely deep and profound!!!!! I feel as if I want to run over and give you a big hug right now...

    I came across your blog from Tuesdays Unwrapped and I haven't had a chance to read much yet, but I was totally taken aback by your "Keeping It Real" post also. I can't tell you how much that touched me...

    I honestly started blogging as a bit of a family journal project, but it took an unexpected turn for me back in February when we lost our unborn twin girls. I found that for me, blogging was less than a true representation of my family if all I did was put up a dog and pony show each day. That's not the truth of how this year has been so far for us. A month after we lost our girls, my husband also lost his job (of 14 years) and suddenly our family of 7 was plunged into unemployment for the first time ever. Some aspects of that have been devastating... I get so discouraged some days, but then I'm able to take heart in going back and seeing in my blog that we've made it through larger challenges than material things.

    I felt so much truth and maturity in what you wrote... Thank you for sharing it and in doing so, reaching out to me across the nation this evening.